Random Thoughts

Morphinization

2010-03-01T00:40:00.003+04:00

Continuous thoughts on "Inner Void"

As much as we like to believe that we are independent people, but the ugly truth is that we are not, no matter how much we achieve, we are very dependent at core!

We live alone, work and earn good money, study and have good certificates, we have our own cars, our own believes , our own belongings. but we are still dependent. dependent on others to feel good about ourselves, we crave for compliments. when we are sad lonely we want friends around us, we want to cry on their shoulders and pour out all our worries. when we are lonely, we start wondering why are we still single, why we are not in love? and the funny part is no matter what we do to fill this loneliness, like fetching a new hobby or indulging in a new course or activity we will still feel lonely and we will long for that mate who will rescue us from our suffering.

It all revolves around that empty void we feel inside sometimes or even constantly, this void can be sensed as a painful feeling, it could be felt like a sharp stabbing pain, or a sensation of doomed death, or a heaving heaviness or maybe we will suddenly gasp for air feeling that we cant breath anymore..no matter how it feels or how is it described, we always search for the Morphine. that -maybe- a temporary relief, but it feels good , it makes you high, it makes you smile, laugh and feel weightless..This Morphine can come in many forms, it can come in a form of a forbidden love, or pretending to be in love, or pretending to enjoy the company of a group, or going crazy and doing stuff you never do when you are conscious and sane..Then the morphine wears out and you start facing reality again and the pain is more severe because when you are on morphine you are semi unconcious, and you might hurt yourself or others unintentionally.

Yeah, i know morphine is dangerous, it can be harmful and it can cause addiction, but when this painful void haunts back, there is no harm of a bit of morphinization!

Reason Argument

2010-02-17T16:13:00.001+04:00

Very eager to start the semester, I was researching a scientific topic related, and the term “Reason argument” caught my attention, so I went on researching it further, and because am very known to always float away from the subject , I reached to an article talking about reason argument in discussing religion, the article was all about atheism and Christianity, which is of very limited interest to me as am not a Christian. What caught my attention in the article is that how defensive we become when anyone points to our religion in suspicion that we indulge in an emotional defense argument weighing off any reason sometimes. We panic ! but why? If we know that we are on the right track, if we know that what we belive in is not just inherited but well adopted because it matches our instincts and needs..why do we panic? Why do we rush into defending it blindly without searching for confirmed foundations to support our argument? And because we are so busy brushing off the “attack”, we fail to see the base of this attack, is it a real attack? Or it is just merely a question to understand and absorb? Is this so called attack , an attack on the religion itself or on history? Or on people who adopt religion in a certain way?
If it is a question about a historical information, then I believe we should take a breath, calm down and on to our books and internet search to confirm this historical information. We all know that history is subjective, nothing is confirmed! How many of us were shocked when introduced to the real world that our history information that was spooned to us during school had many flaws and false information. How many of us were shocked to know that many of our defeats were due to betrayals from friends. We have spies and traitors, which definitely we didn’t know that studying the history book in school. History can be wrong! And let me go a bit extreme in saying, sometimes you can never reach to the full accurate truth about what happened or how facts were transferred among generations. So, why do we jump to defend a historical fact knowing that it is suspicious?
If the question was towards religious people, again, religious people are just HUMAN, they are not prophets, they are not angels, they use their knowledge and their perspective when explaining issues, therefore they can simple make mistakes! So again we need to breath, calm down, look for the truth and use our brains, our reason to defend whatever is said if it is defendable!When we use sound and reasonable argument, we should aim towards the truth and nothing but that, we don’t want to win or score a point on our opponent! We just want to confirm, again, that we are right, that we chose to believe in is the truth that just goes along with our instincts and knowing the right facts will just confirm it and support it. No panic and no fear!

Inner Void!

2009-02-24T14:44:00.008+04:00

While reading "Let me stand alone: The Journals of Rachel Corrie" , and while she was defining the qualities that she find attractive in others, this caught my attention

"Independence: People who value alone time and take it. People who have their own agenda. .People who are their own best friends."

We always assume ,ofcourse depending on literature, and society definitions, that independency is having a good career, good money, own house, own car, fullfilling realtionship..etc, in fact we are dependent even if we have all this, we are dependent on our boss and co workers, to tell us that we are doing a good job and if they dont, no matter how hard we try we are still not satisfied. Money, we are constantly worried, making our calculations, making sure there will be enough till the end of the month if we go buy something expensive or something we want..and no matter how much money we gain more, we still feel it is not enough because we start wanting more..and we are eventually not satisfied.We are living alone, having a beautiful house, but still we are constantly bored and lonely and we are not satisfied, and i wont start here on relationships la2nu i will need 100s of posts to talk about the empty feelings and unsatisfaction between friends, lover, couples, spouses

All those elements are the crust, shallow physical things, that you never feel full , you are always hungry for more, never satisfied , disconnected and having this aching inner void

We just lost the connection with our core, our peace..we are so busy to know US, to love US, to enjoy the time we spent with US. We are scared to have some free time, because we will feel the void again, so we are always desperate for company, desperate for someone to love, desperate for a job and so on..

And no! it is not easy to stop searching, it is not easy to be independet, and if you think am having a solution here, then am disappointing you, because am still in that area where i feel the void and the emptiness..am too disconnected from my core and floating somewhere there..
Maybe i need to start writing a diary, where my thoughts will fall onto lines, organized lines and i will find myself between them..am not sure

they tell you that the first step to solve an issue is to know the root of it. well i have analyzed above the root of the inner void i feel, but Sorry, i cant find the solution, i dont know what is the next step!

Nonsense Ramblings

2009-02-16T05:00:00.002+04:00

Disclaimer: Am not acting GIRLY and SPOILED here, because am not. Am tough, always have been, strong enough to fight struggles, maybe not win, but at least i try. so this post is not in any means intended to show any girly senseless emotions.

It all started when a friend recommended that i should watch the movie "7 pounds" . his exact words were " take a pack of paper tissue and go", which is a good line to make me insist on watching a movie, not because am a drama queen and i just like to sulk in sadness, but because am a moody person, i flip from a mood to another, and when am in the mood to cry, i let it be, because on the contrary to others, i believe that crying is healthy, it releases your frustration and sets you ready to start all over again and because i was in that mood, i just watched alone at home, in the darkness of my room, the movie starts beautiful, catches your attention, and makes you want to know, till that scene where he commits suicide, they just couldnt let him commit suicide in a normal way, or the ordinary way, like shooting himself, or poisoning himself something quick and fast and would pass by you before you even focus, they decided that he should die by immersing his body in a sink full of ice,and there is a big jelly fish in a bucket where he suddenly without warning, pulls and throws in the sink he is in, they show you the jelly fish swimming in the tub he is in, and then detail by detail , the pain,agony,death. WHY?

After the movie ended , i was just staring in the dark, the jelly fish just keeps swimming in again and again and again, and then the thoughts just takes me back to my major phobia , SNAKES, i have a serious phobia, whenever am asked how do you feel you are going to die, i always say from a snake bite, sometimes, i suddenly jump out of my bed and start looking attentively for a snake that might show up!where did i get that phobia? my first year of college, watching a documentary about how nature revenges, one of the stories, about a snake hunter , who gets killed by a snake in his bathroom and ofcourse they had to act the scene and show a big ugly snake in the bathroom. WHY?

Today, the mood is perfect, joyful even hopeful which is rare, i set myself to sit and watch my favourite series. Grey's Anatomy, a series which am addicted to, i love it because it is real, not some tacky love series where everyone is happy and life is bright. it is a good series that talks about humans, normal ones, with good and bad..Grey's Anatomy is the part of my "loving myself time" where i give myself a treat before drifting to sleep. They had to show a case where some parasites or worms infest a some patient's Brain, which is fine talking about it, but they had to show you the surgeon pulling out each and every parasite, and show you the parasites swimming in a plate. and now i cannot drink my Pepsi . WHY?

i understand people get a thrill from action movies, they enjoy the adrenaline rush when watching a horror movie,, but what i cant absorb that what is the fun in showing disgusting creatures in details on TV? cant they just hint about it? why do they have to ruin our day, or our favourite show, or even cause us a phobia, with disgusting details that adds nothing. WHY?

i need to watch friends for a change!

Mildly rebellious thoughts..

2009-02-12T23:23:00.007+04:00

The society is a messed up theatre, people struggle to fit in, to abide by the scenario, make sure to meet the expectations of an audience with double standards.

Yes double standards is the main character of such a society, everyone brags about being right, being committed to the society and its rules, Not only this, this society gives itself the right to judge people, label them and isolate them if necessary. Surprisingly, everyone has a secretive life, opinions that they dont voice out because they dont want to be doomed to such a life-sentence penalty!

How do we give ourselves the right to judge people? on what basis? are we perfect? isnt it that what goes around comes around, isnt there a probability that we would fall in the same trap? wont we want at that time, compassion, understanding and empathy?

We try to create our own limited circles, where we mingle together, whisper our real opinions, concerns and believes, we swear an oath to keep it between us, because the outter world wont understand, our indulgment in those circles just drugs us and gives us an illusion that we are flowing smoothly with the world because the world at that point of the coma is the closed circle. But illusions are fated to end, and suddenly you wake up to a society that confuses you, and denies logic, judges you harshly and exhausts you.

Try to discuss something out of your circle, and suddenly everyone is a saint, religious, committed, perfect husband, ideal lover, loyal friend, flawless person

GIVE ME A BREAK, we are complicated creatures, confused and lost in this society, we are not perfect and so are not others. everyone has his insecurities, weak points, and weak moments.

we are not always in control, we loose it sometimes , perspectives are different, so what seems right to me might be wrong to you , but this shouldnt affect me and you, we can still understand and get along.

It is so tiring to always fight to fit in, to be what people expect from you. to make them "proud"

Just BE and let others BE!

A moment..

2009-02-07T22:22:00.009+04:00

I paused and looked around, Silence has invaded my space , a disturbing silence as if i was standing behind a window pane, where everything reaches me fadely.. the only voice i can hear is the cries of those flocks of seagulls, confusing me, are they cries of joy , joy of catching the prey which means security of the day, and assurance of no hunger at least for the coming hours? or cries of hunger, because everything around learned to be cautious and not to take any step unless it is sure that it is safe, so no more preys, no more food , or are they the cries of aching pain because , their dear has been captured by a ray?

People are passing by , and am frozen in this pause, no body notices me, they keep passing by, some are in hurry, some are worried, some are happy , others are in love, some are lonely and some are just clueless, nothing speaks out of them , except a set of eyes that tells you everthing, but i cant read, Blur is all i can see, i can distinguish the accelrating movement of people and the voices fading and fading and am still stuck in the moment

I reach out, spread my hand, asking my companion for help, pleading for vision and voice, but am expressionless and confused, and am blurring, the set of eyes was talking to me, it might have said that they dont get it, or they might have blamed me, or judged me, or simply didnt care, i cant really tell..i realize in a clear fraction of the second.. am disconnected!

I am in the moment, totally isolated, cant recognise my heart beat, or the feel of the breeze on my skin, cant see the water hitting the shore , am stuck , frozen and disconnected

I panic, but no one can realize or see, they keep passing by in hurry and the seagulls are still confused and busy figuring it out..the air is surfin away and am choking, the water is fighting back and am drowning, confusion: why is this happening, it is not the time, not now, connect me i ask..i demand, but the sand is just crawling and am sinking..Am angry, and my anger is howling inside of me, but reaches no where as it hits and fly back to me..am disconnected

Yes, am diconnected!

PS: special thanks to Rana, who keeps lending me , photos she captures

Dazzled!

2009-02-02T00:41:00.004+04:00

I know many of my friends, think that i do exagerrate when i talk about my connection with nature, how it affects me and controls my mood and some think that am even silly, leaving all the "fun" around here in dubai and wandering with my thoughts hoping for a slower life in a town that screams green all over, but this is how i was built, formed and grew, for me, nature is part of me, it affects me, controls my mood and triggers different , different emotions , it played a role in who i became and it continues to restructure me always
Yesterday we decided to do something out of the normal routine, away from the boring outings, the smiles here and there, the normal discussions - which usually leads to no where - we decided to go on a road trip to the eatern coast!
the day starts with me waking up in a grumpy mood, coz i didnt have enough sleep but had to wake up early to make use of the day, a very grumpy mood that i blast on my friends for not comitting to the time agreed, then faking a smile because you dont want to ruin the day.. the road trip starts from the desert, a continous orange yellow dunes with scattered fading green bushes going on and on, till the desert starts meeting with dark rocky mountains, trying to raise high to reach the top of it , but it fails , it says bye and leaves the stage to those solid , standing mountains and here i start to synchronize with the atmosphere, i start to breath well, feeling my all emotions rising high , when we stop for pics on the road, i just hear the silence, the silence of everything and i rember authours talking about the voice of silence and suddenly i understand, how can silence have a voice? it does, i swear it does, it talks to you, collects all your moods, worries, confusions and stumbling emotions, holds them in a bundle, smoothen the edges and harmonizing it , that you start flowing smoothly with everything around, in one cirlce , one direction. if someone could read my aura at that moment, he wouldnt see but healthy colours and enlightment..the trip continues, and with every moment , the mood eliates, the silence keep playing the magic stick and suddenly am connected! am connected to me..
the Grand Finale, was on the way to masafi, it was dark and suddenly you enter into a road between mountain, with no light , except some rare lights of car passing by, it is totally dark and you are just stuck between the mountains and you cant see the end.. for the first few moments all what you can see is Dark and then when you focus , try to absorb what is around you, you see very blackish mountains, talking to less blackish skys with a spray of abundant stars, that scene , just made me realize that no matter how dark is the place you are in there is always a darker place, and no matter how gloomy things may appear, but if you want to see , you can always see those scattered stars that give you that so called - light at the end of the tunnel-
At that moment only, i wished it rained, so the whole scene would be complete , satisfying and enriching, i wish it rained, because at that moment only, the tall building didnt exist , the speedy life just stopped , the chaos disappeared and everything was flowing with me , on the same lane, towards the same direction
and here i am, still dazzled with the whole experience, i feel better, more bound to me, smiles are more real and am ready for a second round on the fast lane!
And yes, i will never stop loving the way nature stands ...

Between jobs..

2009-01-27T00:49:00.005+04:00

Something i realized lately, it is so easy to fall into the trap of denial , till you believe that what you are trying to convince yourself with , is the total truth and nothing beyond it. Our brains have magnificent ways to conceal the real emotions and feelings and to make us live in an illusion. playing that trick again and again till the illusion becomes a fact in a bubble, where the bubble can rise very high before it bursts and splash all over you

I was living in a denial for a whole 3 years, thinking am happy with my job, am doing fine, content and "enjoying it" .it kept me busy, waking up so early , racing time every moment of the day, moving around, making things work , till the day ends, exhausted and then drift into a dreamless sleep.Couple of weeks ago , i was laid off due to the economical crisis that hit the region and suddenly i was faced with the fact that i have alot of free time, loads of it. things started to slow down, sink in and facts started to appear clear and shouting.

I wasn't happy, not even content to say the least, i was in denial, i was trapped in the same trap i always fall into "Adaptation" . i adapted to the situation, i convinced myself,that it is right it is what i want, and it gives me self satisfaction and of course my brain played the trick took the trap , made it a fact and concealed it in a bubble.

Looking back, what was so happy about it? the memories i have of the job, is just the resentness of waking up soo early before everyone to beat traffic, looking at my watch every minute of the morning, praying so sincerely that there would be no accident on the road because i know if so i will be stuck forever. i dont even have time to look at the mirror before leaving half asleep, reaching so early to work, trying to add some make up to look cheerful and start my day..i did my job well, but did i enjoy it? Is it what i want? no, just a machine doing what i have to do, and trying to go the extra mile not because i love it, not at all, it is just the competitive side of my personality , i have to do things perfectly , i have to excel. and ofcourse it wasnt just work, the burden of listening to people , solving their issues, because somehow my face attracts problem holders and whiners and i cant say no, i have to help. and the days go on, different issues but the same same routine

After things has settled down and i dont have to wake up so early and i have time to read, think, wander,connect and communicate, i believe am more happy not working in that job, suddenly am not short-tempered, am more patient, am calm like i used to be. which makes me wonder, how can we just consume ourselves day by day in soemthing you realize at the end , that it wasnt worth it to the extent that we loose our identity, who we are and we become something different, something anonymous even to us

I have alot of free time, it bothers me at times, and it triggers the analytical person in me, but i know this time, i wont sacrifice the peace in me for something i wont enjoy, i know that i will not accept the least . and more extreme I WILL NOT ADAPT to something i dont like.

Blabbering on a rainy night

2009-01-23T23:50:00.005+04:00

It is raining outside,

I can hear it gushing and splashing on the ground, and i can see some drops escaping from their fate ,lying exhausted on the window glass.. But that is all what i can get from this raining night, I cant view anything else just few glimpses of a dark angry sky, that i have to bend my neck in a specific angle to be able to see it. the way this city is engineered and planned is obnoxious, all what they focus on, buildings and more buildings, each one taller than the other, all having the same high rectangular shape different colors and different glass panes, but the same dullness, and lack of balconies most of the times and if surprisingly they are present , they are so small and useless.
This city is planned , to choke you, to deprave you from the view and the air..you view nothing and you hardly breath

It is still raining,

My thoughts are floating away, so far, reaching 5 years back to a city i valued and loved, a city that would reach up to you , turn you around to face it and makes you love it so gently . a city that offers you everything abundantly and generously, offers you a full view and a fresh air to breath. The rain is so different over there, you can see the sky all over you , each and every corner of it, you can watch the raindrops one by one falling and hugging the earth and on their way, they dance with the trees . the trees are so high, solid in a harmonic relationship with the sky , the earth and the rain.. Those rainy night, 5 years back is what i miss at the moment

This is the rain,

It always triggers all kind of nostalgic feelings in me,but this time those feelings are sharp and painful, because it reminds you, of you then..it reminds you of everything you tossed at the back of your mind..everything you wanted to be and you couldnt.. 5 years back, i wanted to be content, peaceful , i wanted to hug the earth and grow like the trees, i wanted to be different, i wanted to be there, i wanted passion to lead me, i wanted to connect, to communicate, but here , now, in this city am typical , am with the norm, am growing like the grass obeying the wind, i lost connection even with myself and am leaded by the norm . Am stuck in a fast city that admires only tall , serious , dull buildings. a city that is obsessed with the largest, the biggest, the fastest...etc

It is still raining..hope it stops in the morning and i will wake up with a blank brain that has no memories...

When do we stop...

2009-01-21T20:49:00.004+04:00

People, books, documentaries,everything around you just keeps telling you to "Have Hope"

Some books even went so far telling you that you attract what you think.WOW, so if you think hope , you attract hope and if you think despair , you attract despair. as if it is not hard enough to struggle to keep optimistic , that they even blame you if something against your wish happens!

Ok, so we need to keep hoping for good things, good people, good air. but the question that is always wandering at the background, till when??? Till when should we keep hoping for something in specific . when is the right time to stop, to move on and search for something different to hope for? It is very scary sometimes, oscillating between hope and hope, wishing for something to happen, wanting it so bad, believing that it is going to come our way one day and then days pass , it doesnt happen. and here the panic starts, should we stop hoping for it? should we move on? or is it too early? should we wait more?

I have no answers for all these questions, i seriously dont. i want to keep hoping because am scared that the myth of "you attract what you think" is true, but sometimes i am just so tired , i want to give in , i want to just lie down, loosing hope and allowing my tears to fall , to burry the dream and receive the condolances!

Will a good weather last?

2008-11-23T13:14:00.004+04:00

As usual, am to early on the roads when it is still dark to beat the traffic, opening the window allowed some fresh breeze to sneak in, i inhaled so hard , allowing the air to diffuse from my lungs, to my blood and reach my mood,
I spend the whole summer like a drowning person gasping for air continuously trying so hard to survive and the moment the good weather marchs in, rescues me, i start inhaling so hard to make sure am still alive!

i drifted in my thoughts to friday where i went for a safari trip with friends, it was very good and hilarious on a group level of thinking, but when i think of it related to me and and only me...
i remeber when the sun was preparing to leave and we were in the middle of the desert where you can see nothing else but beautiful reddish orange dunes and spotted here and there with small dry bushes, i was sitting on the top of one of the dunes, my palms are connecting with the soft warm sand and looking at the sun, looking at the vast spread land where you dont know where the road begins and where it ends, animals footsteps are scattered here and there and you just wonder what animals pass through such a wild and dry land , I just fell in Love with the desert , i felt that solitary stand of it , standing and resisting the other side of the city with its tallest, largest, greatest...etc. Standing alone and strong and with all the dryness around still able to convey a message of warmth to whoever connects! it was an amazing moment , a moment of insight , a clear vision that revolves around strength, emotional strength

Another moment that affected me so much, sitting in the camp, which is somewhere in the nowhere , in the middle of the desert, they put all the lights off, and give you few minutes to gaze at the stars and fly away...the moment the lights went off, the whole sky was just spread with hundreds of stars just like an evening dress that is emboidered with Diamonds, i looked so attentively at the sky and suddenly , the stars were in a heart shape :-) , and i shouted in amazment , it is a heart! It is a sign, and my friends just started laughing and making jokes, But i did see a heart made of stars up so high, and i felt so deeply that love is my destiny..Love is around me, surrounding me and part of me..am loved by my family, my friends, and one day i will also be loved that special love that will take me away and up so high to blend with the stars!

Isnt it amazing how nature just gets to us, change our moods , softens our characters and make us Silly helpless romantic creatures!!

I just wish the good weather lasts...:)

When it Rains, it stops to begin

2008-11-17T12:47:00.005+04:00

The events that happened last week at work, people were asked to leave, people that you have bonded for so long with and already built a comfortable relation with throughout the years, were just asked to leave, for "Reasons out of hand", Although i have spent the weekend trying to overcome the feeling, to isolate my emotional nature from work and professionalisim and just smile and say, hard luck. I believe i have succeeded just to toss it at the back of my thoughts, to cover the feelings with some anesthetic lotion.. for some other time

This other time, was today i believe, i had this total confidence in my peacefulness and slowly slowly it turned to annoyance then frustrations, urge to cry and to culminate in a doomed sense of suffocation which ironically i had no one to lean on or vent out to..

Looking back at life, it has been always like this, You struggle and struggle, till you fit, and when you fit , you begin to adjust , till you are comfortable where you are, and suddenly Life twists again so sharply, that you loose your balance and tend to fall and the cycle just goes on and on..Throughout this path you grab things on your way, peopele, memories, whatever that you can hold on to when the twist comes back again. You choose them, refine them, take care of them and keep them safe and secure because you know that they will be the arm you willl hold tight when you are shaken again... one of those choices are Friends!

What is friendship? is it defined? i checked it out on the wikepedia and this is what i got : denote co-operative and supportive behaviour between two or more beings

i asked some people , and i got few answers here and there
"Having no fear of being judged, and the comfort to share my true self."
"Support and compassion Smilies, giggles and tears "
" Fun and not too much drama"
"Trust and comfort"
"Security"

Friendship is difficult to define, it is such a vague term which can contain all and nothing at the same time,
At a younger age , i used to believe that friendship is a bless, it is holy and i used to believe that it is as simple as a qoute on those celebration cards where they say a friend is someone who you can lean on, who is there when you need him, who will laugh with you , who will cry with you.. who will listen. whom you will feel very comfortable talking to about anything and anytime

I look at those words now, and i try to think of my friends, close ones, They differ some are comfortable to be with but cant lean on , Some are so much fun, we laugh like hell but i cant share with, some are needy and wants your support but they are not there when you need them. and the list goes on..which makes me wonder, are best friends categorized, should they be categorized?

Can i have a close friend , for fun only? can i have nother one , for sharing only ? and can i be friends with someone whom i have to support always selflessly?

There is this area where everything is so grey, doubtful that when you need someone to listen to your suffocation, you are confused and hesitant, you are scared to be judged, you are worried that you will be called terms like "Drama Queen" and still you are torn apart between all those feelings and a feeling of guilt, guilt that you must accept your friends the way they are. But isnt any relationship a two way path, where you give and take? so why the guilt feelings?

Actualy all what am trying to say is Where are my friends when i need them?

Am in that twist of life and everything i can lean on is so foggy that i cant grab or hold tight onto anything, Rain Drops are falling and falling , drizzling on my face and disappearing as if they never were , why do they keep falling to a fate they know, a fate that dooms them to a nonexisting tomorrow . When will i stop falling..

Scattered Thoughts

2008-10-26T10:18:00.003+04:00

I was told yesterday "If you think you are on your way to insanity, look around, if you find People who share you the same feeling and same thoughts , then you are normal"

Anyone out there shares my Thoughts? Please

thoughts that are constantly in my head..

I wish i can wake up in the morning, without having to DECIDE what is my state of mind, why cant my state of mind just be..

I wish i can escape here, and live somewhere far, far from the crowd, where everything will be green and the air will be exhilarating and Serenity will be the theme

People sometimes tend to enforce their opinions, Shout it out loud , so they wont hear you and give you the look when you disapparove, those people annoy me!

Alot of traditions in our part of the world just gets on my nerves and they ACTUALLY stress me out, as most of the time , i have to keep quiet so not to appear odd

Commitments are scary, they make me panic

My day cant pass by without deeply analyzing every move and every word, even if it was an issue of buying a bulb

People are judgmental creatures, they irritate me as they think they are perfect and away from being judged!!

Ways of Survival in this world haunts me , my moto nowadays is "I want to survive"

How can we be happy when our lives depends on people around us, how to detach

I cherish Solitude , but i cant practice it

I have no hold or control over the course of events in my life

Thoughts to be continued...

Anyone out there?

Now...

2008-10-16T21:11:00.007+04:00

I had a very interesting discussion with a dear friend of mine, the discussion was triggered by a quote read from the book "the Power of Now" for Eckhart Tolle

"Since the ego is a derived sense of self, it needs to identify with external things,it needs to be both fed and defended constantly . the most common ego identifications has to do with possessions,the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance.............................................................. None of these is you "

When she read this quote out loudly, it hit a nerve , it triggered a speedy flow of thoughts emerged with emotions.
When i wander at myself and different people around me, i see us incomplete and unsatisfied. it is like a trend , no matter what you have, what you have achieved or obtained, you always hear the word" am Bored".. " i need something different " ..." i need more "
It is like we fear the disappearance of ourselves if we are not connected to something or someone, the fear of not existing is the biggest fear that dissolves within us and becomes one of us ,which brings me to the quote above, we always crave and need to identify with something or someone to feel alive and to feel our existence .

I looked into my life, and it was not surprising to realize how i always cling to things and merge with them to form a coexistance that will help me BE "As i tend to believe"
Work, constant competition to prove , that i can do it..Work is so much involved in me and am so much involved in it, that thoughts of events at work just haunts me each and every moment am concious, Sometimes i try to resist, i keep on talking to my "unconcious" " it is just a job..it is just a job" and even when i settle for this thought for a while, i again loose my self to the battle of my ego at the least trigger, fear just hugs me tight , the fear of not being appreciated, the fear of loosing at the finish line of the competition, and the funny part , there is never a finish line, you will keep running and running..

No matter what i have achieved at work, i still feel something is missing, i still have the addict rush to identify with something more fullfilling and here comes the need to love and be loved, the need of having someone in your life, someone special that will complete you and make you feel whole. Why does it always seem that we will always be unhappy until we find our other half. is there something called " the other half?" we are "whole", so why do we need another half..why cant we search for another "Whole"?or why cant we live the moment of being and the "whole "will pass by eventually?

I try sometimes to drift my thoughts from this need which is aching sometimes, and here i fall into a space of emptiness, and i feel the hole getting bigger and the panic starts and triggers a new search of identification elements. i constantly seek acceptance, acceptance of my friends, my family, even anonymous people around the universe where you know you wont meet except once. Seeking acceptance, is triggered by an illusion that if am not accepted , i stop existing..

The search of identifying is everlasting and never ends
i would disagree somehow with the author of the book as he is being radical in giving the solution, he suggests that we stop looking back and stop anticipating the future and just live the moment of NOW , and here you will reach to the peace of soul and enlightment

As i stated earlier, he is being a bit unrealistic because no matter how much you try ,you can never get rid of your memories, and no matter how hard your attempts are but you will always anticipate something to come...
I believe in Balance
We need to fight the fear, the root cause of all this chaotic ego - self race is fear..We have to believe that we do exist , that way we are, no matter what our memories are and no matter how the future turns out, we are what we are, maybe by absorbing the idea that we can never change what happened and we can never predict what will happen, that will help us accept our past, accept the sorrow in it , and cherish the smile it left. it helps us give in to faith, to GOD and that whatever happens will happen for a reason..
And just love ourselves the way we are, now

This balance between the yesterday, now and tomorrow, will give us the existence we need.

i will quote myself

Today i am resisting the norm, today am resisting me, today i will be.

Solitude

2008-10-05T13:21:00.008+04:00

Shock is literally a medical condition where the circulation of blood in the body is affected and leads to deteriorration of all the organs, and then shutdown, and death..

When you look so deeply into your life, you can see how many emotional shocks you pass through, starting from being a kid till you grow up and become a "Responsible Adult" . those emotional shocks can be so tiny, not noticeable sometimes..and sometimes, they are big, shouting, announcing their presence

It is said that "the obvious" is that a physical shock is more dangerous, it kills instantly if not treated. but is emotional shock less dangerous? less lethal? Doesnt accumalted small emotional shocks or big massive ones , lead to numbness of the whole body..? doesnt it at times, triggers huge pain that paralyzes you .. doesnt it affect your heart and scar it time by time, till the heart has no space , to beat, expand and rest? doesnt it affect your brain, kills your cells, causes brain death?

Sometimes, we avoid those effects by denial, we deny facts, so we can stay drugged into a peaceful dream. We refuse to see reality with wide eyes, we give excuses one after the other.

Sometimes itis just to late to rectify the mishappen!

But why do we deny? why do you accept distinctive diversity, why do you give in to things against your perspective?

Is it because we are scared to be alone? do we fear loneliness? but dont we end up trapped in a bigger different type of loneliness. you just stop recognizing people around you , you laugh , smile and talk as an automatic response to triggers, but you cant really observe what you see anymore, you loose your identity , and you become a stranger to your own

Solitude, what is solitude?itis defined as a state of isolation, fact or quality of being secluded from others, but why do i see Solitude as fighting the fear to be alone, facing loneliness accepting it and enjoying it, because this is the only way to know your true self, admire it and live to your thoughts, avoid all disappointments and shocks around you. In Solitude you grown stronger, because you are independent, you dont need people or events to nourish your soul or your life.

you have self satisfaction that grows from within

Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone. ~Paul Johannes Tillich, The Eternal Now

But is it easy to find Solitude? with all the chains of fear that surround us and dive into our lives? will we be able to reach that state of strength and bravery and just merge into Solitude?

A Blue Mood

2008-10-04T00:24:00.003+04:00

And here goes one of my blue moods

I am Stuck. this has been a constant feeling that has overwhlemed me for some time now.. Stuck somewhere ,

Do we really have a choice in our lives? i hardly felt that we have choices, i always feel that circumstances were imposed on me and i need to adapt to it accordingly.. am trying to be fair, to think of sometime when i had the choice of choosing or preferring something over the other..

Yes , it might seem like i made the choice, but when analyzing, circumstances just bundles in a chain where you feel at the end that you have no choice but to choose your act ..

When we are deeply in love, and when this person constantly hurts us, and constantly moves all his energy towards destruction then at the end of the day you have no choice but to end this love up.It is the right choice definatley.. but this is now how you planned or decided for it to be..it just happened.
You are stuck in a job...where you are brilliant and very much appreciated, but did you choose this job? No , it was imposed on you and you had no choice but to accept it and you have no other choice but to be good at it so you can keep it

Did i choose to live in this country? Hell no...but i have to live here due to all surrounding circumstance..

Our lives are just a chain where everthing corelates, tangles in a very mysterious way and through a force majeur , where most of the time you dont have a say in it

In some other Pink mood , i would have said, " an individual creates his own circumstances and a failure is one who blames it all on his circumstances"
But today , Now.. am exhausted..i cant just continue struggling and trying ...and today am blaming it on circumstances...

The whole world seems to move on...and am just stuck with choices i didnt make ...and am energyless..and cant fight it anymore...

Tomorrow might be another day..and might not

Survivor

2008-08-25T10:41:00.003+04:00

Once i was asked in a truth or dare game...Where do you see yourself 5 years from now..and as i was in a blue mood at that moment...my answer was " i will be half lying in my bed...it is dark...books are around me...the laptop in my lap..and i will be thinking..how did i reach here?"

When i look back at that statment , i realize how we sometimes impose and decide in advance how our future is going to be ? We subconciously give in to our black thoughts and we - again - subconciously allow it to manifest...we help it come true..and then we go like " See i told you so...i told you it will happen "

The truth that we dont realize...is that we really do create our future..we create 90% of the events that happen with us...

Back to the statement above , somewhere beyond my concious i was making it come true...i was being so picky on my friends...and somehow i found excuses not to get in touch with them...i isolated my self from everyone...i hated my job and stoppped searching for any creativity in it which intensified the feeling of boredom...i blamed my loneliness on life and faith..and yes..that day i was sitting alone in my room thinking " how did i reach here?"

It scared me like hell...the alarms rang in my head..and i realized i dont want this...i dont want to be lonely...i dont want the books and some internet to be my friends...this is not me....and there only there i realized that i made it happen , i created all the circumstances to materialize a vision...why? because it is easier...it is easier to be sad, lonely and blame faith...it is easier to give up than to fight...

We were born with instincts of surviving...we want to survive... but sometimes laziness and chosing the easy way masks it...and we stop surviving...we just give in....

I want to survive ...it is clear...pure..real...and i will survive...

Judging people!!

2008-08-20T16:14:00.005+04:00

it is very easy to announce how open minded we are, how understanding and anti judgmental individuals , we brag about being great friends because we think so..we live our lives spreading speeches about our principles and perspectives..we enjoy flattering words like " oh..how deep" or " yes you are absolutely right" and the best musical rhyme would be " I appologize, am wrong and you are right" Victory!

we on the other hand very easily pinpoint other people's flaws. we catch it immidiately as if we found water in the middle of a desert, we sit , analyze and criticize and then we start blaming, of course all whispering from ear to ear.we will be having that " disgusted look", and acting in shock that how can people do that??

do we look into ourselves? do we take a moment to analyze our personalities, maybe we do the same?maybe we are not as flawless as we think we are? maybe people do not tell us " you are wrong" because they dont care, or they dont want to hurt us or whatever?

Who gave us the right to judge people? who gave us the right to decide what is right and what is wrong?

I believe everyone should mind his own business and accept people the way they are as long as the way they are doesnt affect the way we are in any way!!

تحول

2008-08-19T10:20:00.006+04:00

انفعال

يسن لي القوانين

يمليها الواحدة تلو الأخرى

والا سوار تعلو و تعلو وهو مازال يملي

الاشجار تبهت والاسوار تعلو

وأنا أصغر و أصغر أنزوي في الركن

أرى سورا ممتدا الى السماء

لا أرى السماء

لا أراني

غضب

أعتاد بقعتي في الزاوية

أتكيف بها ..وأعتاد الظلام

بغتة تغير مجرى الريح..تغيرت السنن

يشدني..يقول: مؤقتا

ويدفعني من جديد الى الزاوية

يشدني فأتلمس الضوء

ومن ثم يدفعني مجددا

مؤقتا

الريح

انفجار

ما بين الريح و الريح

أقف..أرنو

أتامل

أحزم امتعتي

أمد يدي الى الضوء

أرحل

Far Away

2008-08-18T09:05:00.005+04:00

I look around , and i have this deep feeling that i miss something.. i gaze more attentively ...
my desk is brown...it is very sunny outside...the atmosphere out is not clear ..dusty....few palm trees here and there looking pale ,the buildings infront of my office are all brownish - yellowish...The AC is hitting my head and neck...i cant put it off because i will suffocate then..drinking my coffee in the middle of the summer just to keep me awake...waiting for the breakfast lady so i can grab a sandwich because i dont have time to eat before leaving home or i will risk the traffic..i can feel the potentials of a headache..it is coming..

And here i realize. i do miss something ..actually i miss alot of things..i miss to see the colour Green with all its shades...i miss the feel of soft breeze of nature on my skin...i miss to taste fruits immidiately after pciking them up out of the tree..i miss drinking water from a spring...i miss smelling the earth after a summer rainy day...i want to wake up to the sounds of kids playing freely in the yard .. i want to enjoy the warmth of the sun after a long white winter...i miss the surprises of nature everyday..sun..rain...flowers..trees..i want to inhale fresh air...i want it to fill my lungs and blood...i want to be free

Actually i miss being far far far away from here...

how words are linked in our brains.

2008-08-17T14:50:00.000+04:00

Today, one of my melancholic mood days - i asked a friend to describe me in one word, Stunningly she chose "Complicated" , which at first struck me as a negative word. i then asked her why did she chose complicated out of all the millions of words that are filling our world nowadays . and here - stunningly - was her answer

" I thought of Mature..But it doesn't contain all..I thought of Oprah, but yet not her.. i thought of Depressed but yet not all the time.. i thought of deep ..but not enough.. i thought of sensitive but not enough so here where i came up with complicated as you are a mixture of all."

Her explanation somehow was positive, and here where i stopped to wonder, how do we link words in our brains to certain labels.. why do we decide that this word is positive although it might have a negative effect and vice versa. For example, you call someone sensitive, positively it means he is an attentive person that takes care of peoples feelings , but also negatively it means he is so picky and gets emotional and upset so easily and always interpret things very negatively.

Labels come from mindsets and also status of emotion at that certain point. The way we were raised within our families, our society, how we were taught affects the way we link words, A conservative family that believes that laughing out loud and saying jokes is being rude and irrespectful will raise kids that will feel offended by a description like "Funny". At the same time your mood status at the point plays a very serious role in interpreting words and translating them, a very illiated mood will take a word like " Clumsy" in a very light way and maybe laugh about it too, while someone who is in an angry mood will be offended and insulted by the word

I think what am trying to say is we need to stop judging people's intentions from the words they say, we might ask and try to understand what is the real meaning behind the word said. and this way we might save ourselves alot of agony and anger by just understanding...