Sunday, November 23, 2008

Will a good weather last?


As usual, am to early on the roads when it is still dark to beat the traffic, opening the window allowed some fresh breeze to sneak in, i inhaled so hard , allowing the air to diffuse from my lungs, to my blood and reach my mood,
I spend the whole summer like a drowning person gasping for air continuously trying so hard to survive and the moment the good weather marchs in, rescues me, i start inhaling so hard to make sure am still alive!

i drifted in my thoughts to friday where i went for a safari trip with friends, it was very good and hilarious on a group level of thinking, but when i think of it related to me and and only me...
i remeber when the sun was preparing to leave and we were in the middle of the desert where you can see nothing else but beautiful reddish orange dunes and spotted here and there with small dry bushes, i was sitting on the top of one of the dunes, my palms are connecting with the soft warm sand and looking at the sun, looking at the vast spread land where you dont know where the road begins and where it ends, animals footsteps are scattered here and there and you just wonder what animals pass through such a wild and dry land , I just fell in Love with the desert , i felt that solitary stand of it , standing and resisting the other side of the city with its tallest, largest, greatest...etc. Standing alone and strong and with all the dryness around still able to convey a message of warmth to whoever connects! it was an amazing moment , a moment of insight , a clear vision that revolves around strength, emotional strength

Another moment that affected me so much, sitting in the camp, which is somewhere in the nowhere , in the middle of the desert, they put all the lights off, and give you few minutes to gaze at the stars and fly away...the moment the lights went off, the whole sky was just spread with hundreds of stars just like an evening dress that is emboidered with Diamonds, i looked so attentively at the sky and suddenly , the stars were in a heart shape :-) , and i shouted in amazment , it is a heart! It is a sign, and my friends just started laughing and making jokes, But i did see a heart made of stars up so high, and i felt so deeply that love is my destiny..Love is around me, surrounding me and part of me..am loved by my family, my friends, and one day i will also be loved that special love that will take me away and up so high to blend with the stars!

Isnt it amazing how nature just gets to us, change our moods , softens our characters and make us Silly helpless romantic creatures!!

I just wish the good weather lasts...:)

Monday, November 17, 2008

When it Rains, it stops to begin


The events that happened last week at work, people were asked to leave, people that you have bonded for so long with and already built a comfortable relation with throughout the years, were just asked to leave, for "Reasons out of hand", Although i have spent the weekend trying to overcome the feeling, to isolate my emotional nature from work and professionalisim and just smile and say, hard luck. I believe i have succeeded just to toss it at the back of my thoughts, to cover the feelings with some anesthetic lotion.. for some other time

This other time, was today i believe, i had this total confidence in my peacefulness and slowly slowly it turned to annoyance then frustrations, urge to cry and to culminate in a doomed sense of suffocation which ironically i had no one to lean on or vent out to..

Looking back at life, it has been always like this, You struggle and struggle, till you fit, and when you fit , you begin to adjust , till you are comfortable where you are, and suddenly Life twists again so sharply, that you loose your balance and tend to fall and the cycle just goes on and on..Throughout this path you grab things on your way, peopele, memories, whatever that you can hold on to when the twist comes back again. You choose them, refine them, take care of them and keep them safe and secure because you know that they will be the arm you willl hold tight when you are shaken again... one of those choices are Friends!

What is friendship? is it defined? i checked it out on the wikepedia and this is what i got : denote co-operative and supportive behaviour between two or more beings

i asked some people , and i got few answers here and there
"Having no fear of being judged, and the comfort to share my true self."
"Support and compassion Smilies, giggles and tears "
" Fun and not too much drama"
"Trust and comfort"
"Security"

Friendship is difficult to define, it is such a vague term which can contain all and nothing at the same time,
At a younger age , i used to believe that friendship is a bless, it is holy and i used to believe that it is as simple as a qoute on those celebration cards where they say a friend is someone who you can lean on, who is there when you need him, who will laugh with you , who will cry with you.. who will listen. whom you will feel very comfortable talking to about anything and anytime

I look at those words now, and i try to think of my friends, close ones, They differ some are comfortable to be with but cant lean on , Some are so much fun, we laugh like hell but i cant share with, some are needy and wants your support but they are not there when you need them. and the list goes on..which makes me wonder, are best friends categorized, should they be categorized?

Can i have a close friend , for fun only? can i have nother one , for sharing only ? and can i be friends with someone whom i have to support always selflessly?

There is this area where everything is so grey, doubtful that when you need someone to listen to your suffocation, you are confused and hesitant, you are scared to be judged, you are worried that you will be called terms like "Drama Queen" and still you are torn apart between all those feelings and a feeling of guilt, guilt that you must accept your friends the way they are. But isnt any relationship a two way path, where you give and take? so why the guilt feelings?

Actualy all what am trying to say is Where are my friends when i need them?

Am in that twist of life and everything i can lean on is so foggy that i cant grab or hold tight onto anything, Rain Drops are falling and falling , drizzling on my face and disappearing as if they never were , why do they keep falling to a fate they know, a fate that dooms them to a nonexisting tomorrow . When will i stop falling..

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Scattered Thoughts


I was told yesterday "If you think you are on your way to insanity, look around, if you find People who share you the same feeling and same thoughts , then you are normal"


Anyone out there shares my Thoughts? Please


thoughts that are constantly in my head..


I wish i can wake up in the morning, without having to DECIDE what is my state of mind, why cant my state of mind just be..


I wish i can escape here, and live somewhere far, far from the crowd, where everything will be green and the air will be exhilarating and Serenity will be the theme


People sometimes tend to enforce their opinions, Shout it out loud , so they wont hear you and give you the look when you disapparove, those people annoy me!


Alot of traditions in our part of the world just gets on my nerves and they ACTUALLY stress me out, as most of the time , i have to keep quiet so not to appear odd


Commitments are scary, they make me panic


My day cant pass by without deeply analyzing every move and every word, even if it was an issue of buying a bulb


People are judgmental creatures, they irritate me as they think they are perfect and away from being judged!!


Ways of Survival in this world haunts me , my moto nowadays is "I want to survive"


How can we be happy when our lives depends on people around us, how to detach


I cherish Solitude , but i cant practice it


I have no hold or control over the course of events in my life


Thoughts to be continued...


Anyone out there?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Now...


I had a very interesting discussion with a dear friend of mine, the discussion was triggered by a quote read from the book "the Power of Now" for Eckhart Tolle

"Since the ego is a derived sense of self, it needs to identify with external things,it needs to be both fed and defended constantly . the most common ego identifications has to do with possessions,the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance.............................................................. None of these is you "

When she read this quote out loudly, it hit a nerve , it triggered a speedy flow of thoughts emerged with emotions.
When i wander at myself and different people around me, i see us incomplete and unsatisfied. it is like a trend , no matter what you have, what you have achieved or obtained, you always hear the word" am Bored".. " i need something different " ..." i need more "
It is like we fear the disappearance of ourselves if we are not connected to something or someone, the fear of not existing is the biggest fear that dissolves within us and becomes one of us ,which brings me to the quote above, we always crave and need to identify with something or someone to feel alive and to feel our existence .

I looked into my life, and it was not surprising to realize how i always cling to things and merge with them to form a coexistance that will help me BE "As i tend to believe"
Work, constant competition to prove , that i can do it..Work is so much involved in me and am so much involved in it, that thoughts of events at work just haunts me each and every moment am concious, Sometimes i try to resist, i keep on talking to my "unconcious" " it is just a job..it is just a job" and even when i settle for this thought for a while, i again loose my self to the battle of my ego at the least trigger, fear just hugs me tight , the fear of not being appreciated, the fear of loosing at the finish line of the competition, and the funny part , there is never a finish line, you will keep running and running..

No matter what i have achieved at work, i still feel something is missing, i still have the addict rush to identify with something more fullfilling and here comes the need to love and be loved, the need of having someone in your life, someone special that will complete you and make you feel whole. Why does it always seem that we will always be unhappy until we find our other half. is there something called " the other half?" we are "whole", so why do we need another half..why cant we search for another "Whole"?or why cant we live the moment of being and the "whole "will pass by eventually?

I try sometimes to drift my thoughts from this need which is aching sometimes, and here i fall into a space of emptiness, and i feel the hole getting bigger and the panic starts and triggers a new search of identification elements. i constantly seek acceptance, acceptance of my friends, my family, even anonymous people around the universe where you know you wont meet except once. Seeking acceptance, is triggered by an illusion that if am not accepted , i stop existing..

The search of identifying is everlasting and never ends
i would disagree somehow with the author of the book as he is being radical in giving the solution, he suggests that we stop looking back and stop anticipating the future and just live the moment of NOW , and here you will reach to the peace of soul and enlightment

As i stated earlier, he is being a bit unrealistic because no matter how much you try ,you can never get rid of your memories, and no matter how hard your attempts are but you will always anticipate something to come...
I believe in Balance
We need to fight the fear, the root cause of all this chaotic ego - self race is fear..We have to believe that we do exist , that way we are, no matter what our memories are and no matter how the future turns out, we are what we are, maybe by absorbing the idea that we can never change what happened and we can never predict what will happen, that will help us accept our past, accept the sorrow in it , and cherish the smile it left. it helps us give in to faith, to GOD and that whatever happens will happen for a reason..
And just love ourselves the way we are, now

This balance between the yesterday, now and tomorrow, will give us the existence we need.

i will quote myself

Today i am resisting the norm, today am resisting me, today i will be.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Solitude


Shock is literally a medical condition where the circulation of blood in the body is affected and leads to deteriorration of all the organs, and then shutdown, and death..

When you look so deeply into your life, you can see how many emotional shocks you pass through, starting from being a kid till you grow up and become a "Responsible Adult" . those emotional shocks can be so tiny, not noticeable sometimes..and sometimes, they are big, shouting, announcing their presence

It is said that "the obvious" is that a physical shock is more dangerous, it kills instantly if not treated. but is emotional shock less dangerous? less lethal? Doesnt accumalted small emotional shocks or big massive ones , lead to numbness of the whole body..? doesnt it at times, triggers huge pain that paralyzes you .. doesnt it affect your heart and scar it time by time, till the heart has no space , to beat, expand and rest? doesnt it affect your brain, kills your cells, causes brain death?

Sometimes, we avoid those effects by denial, we deny facts, so we can stay drugged into a peaceful dream. We refuse to see reality with wide eyes, we give excuses one after the other.

Sometimes itis just to late to rectify the mishappen!

But why do we deny? why do you accept distinctive diversity, why do you give in to things against your perspective?

Is it because we are scared to be alone? do we fear loneliness? but dont we end up trapped in a bigger different type of loneliness. you just stop recognizing people around you , you laugh , smile and talk as an automatic response to triggers, but you cant really observe what you see anymore, you loose your identity , and you become a stranger to your own

Solitude, what is solitude?itis defined as a state of isolation, fact or quality of being secluded from others, but why do i see Solitude as fighting the fear to be alone, facing loneliness accepting it and enjoying it, because this is the only way to know your true self, admire it and live to your thoughts, avoid all disappointments and shocks around you. In Solitude you grown stronger, because you are independent, you dont need people or events to nourish your soul or your life.
you have self satisfaction that grows from within

Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone. ~Paul Johannes Tillich, The Eternal Now

But is it easy to find Solitude? with all the chains of fear that surround us and dive into our lives? will we be able to reach that state of strength and bravery and just merge into Solitude?

Saturday, October 4, 2008

A Blue Mood


And here goes one of my blue moods


I am Stuck. this has been a constant feeling that has overwhlemed me for some time now.. Stuck somewhere ,


Do we really have a choice in our lives? i hardly felt that we have choices, i always feel that circumstances were imposed on me and i need to adapt to it accordingly.. am trying to be fair, to think of sometime when i had the choice of choosing or preferring something over the other..
Yes , it might seem like i made the choice, but when analyzing, circumstances just bundles in a chain where you feel at the end that you have no choice but to choose your act ..


When we are deeply in love, and when this person constantly hurts us, and constantly moves all his energy towards destruction then at the end of the day you have no choice but to end this love up.It is the right choice definatley.. but this is now how you planned or decided for it to be..it just happened.
You are stuck in a job...where you are brilliant and very much appreciated, but did you choose this job? No , it was imposed on you and you had no choice but to accept it and you have no other choice but to be good at it so you can keep it
Did i choose to live in this country? Hell no...but i have to live here due to all surrounding circumstance..


Our lives are just a chain where everthing corelates, tangles in a very mysterious way and through a force majeur , where most of the time you dont have a say in it
In some other Pink mood , i would have said, " an individual creates his own circumstances and a failure is one who blames it all on his circumstances"
But today , Now.. am exhausted..i cant just continue struggling and trying ...and today am blaming it on circumstances...
The whole world seems to move on...and am just stuck with choices i didnt make ...and am energyless..and cant fight it anymore...


Tomorrow might be another day..and might not

Monday, August 25, 2008

Survivor

Once i was asked in a truth or dare game...Where do you see yourself 5 years from now..and as i was in a blue mood at that moment...my answer was " i will be half lying in my bed...it is dark...books are around me...the laptop in my lap..and i will be thinking..how did i reach here?"

When i look back at that statment , i realize how we sometimes impose and decide in advance how our future is going to be ? We subconciously give in to our black thoughts and we - again - subconciously allow it to manifest...we help it come true..and then we go like " See i told you so...i told you it will happen "

The truth that we dont realize...is that we really do create our future..we create 90% of the events that happen with us...

Back to the statement above , somewhere beyond my concious i was making it come true...i was being so picky on my friends...and somehow i found excuses not to get in touch with them...i isolated my self from everyone...i hated my job and stoppped searching for any creativity in it which intensified the feeling of boredom...i blamed my loneliness on life and faith..and yes..that day i was sitting alone in my room thinking " how did i reach here?"

It scared me like hell...the alarms rang in my head..and i realized i dont want this...i dont want to be lonely...i dont want the books and some internet to be my friends...this is not me....and there only there i realized that i made it happen , i created all the circumstances to materialize a vision...why? because it is easier...it is easier to be sad, lonely and blame faith...it is easier to give up than to fight...

We were born with instincts of surviving...we want to survive... but sometimes laziness and chosing the easy way masks it...and we stop surviving...we just give in....

I want to survive ...it is clear...pure..real...and i will survive...

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Judging people!!

it is very easy to announce how open minded we are, how understanding and anti judgmental individuals , we brag about being great friends because we think so..we live our lives spreading speeches about our principles and perspectives..we enjoy flattering words like " oh..how deep" or " yes you are absolutely right" and the best musical rhyme would be " I appologize, am wrong and you are right" Victory!

we on the other hand very easily pinpoint other people's flaws. we catch it immidiately as if we found water in the middle of a desert, we sit , analyze and criticize and then we start blaming, of course all whispering from ear to ear.we will be having that " disgusted look", and acting in shock that how can people do that??

do we look into ourselves? do we take a moment to analyze our personalities, maybe we do the same?maybe we are not as flawless as we think we are? maybe people do not tell us " you are wrong" because they dont care, or they dont want to hurt us or whatever?

Who gave us the right to judge people? who gave us the right to decide what is right and what is wrong?

I believe everyone should mind his own business and accept people the way they are as long as the way they are doesnt affect the way we are in any way!!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

تحول


انفعال
يسن لي القوانين
يمليها الواحدة تلو الأخرى
والا سوار تعلو و تعلو وهو مازال يملي
الاشجار تبهت والاسوار تعلو
وأنا أصغر و أصغر أنزوي في الركن
أرى سورا ممتدا الى السماء
لا أرى السماء
لا أراني

غضب

أعتاد بقعتي في الزاوية
أتكيف بها ..وأعتاد الظلام
بغتة تغير مجرى الريح..تغيرت السنن
يشدني..يقول: مؤقتا
ويدفعني من جديد الى الزاوية
يشدني فأتلمس الضوء
ومن ثم يدفعني مجددا
مؤقتا
الريح

انفجار

ما بين الريح و الريح
أقف..أرنو
أتامل
أحزم امتعتي
أمد يدي الى الضوء
أرحل


Monday, August 18, 2008

Far Away



I look around , and i have this deep feeling that i miss something.. i gaze more attentively ...
my desk is brown...it is very sunny outside...the atmosphere out is not clear ..dusty....few palm trees here and there looking pale ,the buildings infront of my office are all brownish - yellowish...The AC is hitting my head and neck...i cant put it off because i will suffocate then..drinking my coffee in the middle of the summer just to keep me awake...waiting for the breakfast lady so i can grab a sandwich because i dont have time to eat before leaving home or i will risk the traffic..i can feel the potentials of a headache..it is coming..
And here i realize. i do miss something ..actually i miss alot of things..i miss to see the colour Green with all its shades...i miss the feel of soft breeze of nature on my skin...i miss to taste fruits immidiately after pciking them up out of the tree..i miss drinking water from a spring...i miss smelling the earth after a summer rainy day...i want to wake up to the sounds of kids playing freely in the yard .. i want to enjoy the warmth of the sun after a long white winter...i miss the surprises of nature everyday..sun..rain...flowers..trees..i want to inhale fresh air...i want it to fill my lungs and blood...i want to be free

Actually i miss being far far far away from here...

Sunday, August 17, 2008

how words are linked in our brains.

Today, one of my melancholic mood days - i asked a friend to describe me in one word, Stunningly she chose "Complicated" , which at first struck me as a negative word. i then asked her why did she chose complicated out of all the millions of words that are filling our world nowadays . and here - stunningly - was her answer


" I thought of Mature..But it doesn't contain all..I thought of Oprah, but yet not her.. i thought of Depressed but yet not all the time.. i thought of deep ..but not enough.. i thought of sensitive but not enough so here where i came up with complicated as you are a mixture of all."


Her explanation somehow was positive, and here where i stopped to wonder, how do we link words in our brains to certain labels.. why do we decide that this word is positive although it might have a negative effect and vice versa. For example, you call someone sensitive, positively it means he is an attentive person that takes care of peoples feelings , but also negatively it means he is so picky and gets emotional and upset so easily and always interpret things very negatively.


Labels come from mindsets and also status of emotion at that certain point. The way we were raised within our families, our society, how we were taught affects the way we link words, A conservative family that believes that laughing out loud and saying jokes is being rude and irrespectful will raise kids that will feel offended by a description like "Funny". At the same time your mood status at the point plays a very serious role in interpreting words and translating them, a very illiated mood will take a word like " Clumsy" in a very light way and maybe laugh about it too, while someone who is in an angry mood will be offended and insulted by the word


I think what am trying to say is we need to stop judging people's intentions from the words they say, we might ask and try to understand what is the real meaning behind the word said. and this way we might save ourselves alot of agony and anger by just understanding...