Sunday, October 26, 2008

Scattered Thoughts


I was told yesterday "If you think you are on your way to insanity, look around, if you find People who share you the same feeling and same thoughts , then you are normal"


Anyone out there shares my Thoughts? Please


thoughts that are constantly in my head..


I wish i can wake up in the morning, without having to DECIDE what is my state of mind, why cant my state of mind just be..


I wish i can escape here, and live somewhere far, far from the crowd, where everything will be green and the air will be exhilarating and Serenity will be the theme


People sometimes tend to enforce their opinions, Shout it out loud , so they wont hear you and give you the look when you disapparove, those people annoy me!


Alot of traditions in our part of the world just gets on my nerves and they ACTUALLY stress me out, as most of the time , i have to keep quiet so not to appear odd


Commitments are scary, they make me panic


My day cant pass by without deeply analyzing every move and every word, even if it was an issue of buying a bulb


People are judgmental creatures, they irritate me as they think they are perfect and away from being judged!!


Ways of Survival in this world haunts me , my moto nowadays is "I want to survive"


How can we be happy when our lives depends on people around us, how to detach


I cherish Solitude , but i cant practice it


I have no hold or control over the course of events in my life


Thoughts to be continued...


Anyone out there?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Now...


I had a very interesting discussion with a dear friend of mine, the discussion was triggered by a quote read from the book "the Power of Now" for Eckhart Tolle

"Since the ego is a derived sense of self, it needs to identify with external things,it needs to be both fed and defended constantly . the most common ego identifications has to do with possessions,the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance.............................................................. None of these is you "

When she read this quote out loudly, it hit a nerve , it triggered a speedy flow of thoughts emerged with emotions.
When i wander at myself and different people around me, i see us incomplete and unsatisfied. it is like a trend , no matter what you have, what you have achieved or obtained, you always hear the word" am Bored".. " i need something different " ..." i need more "
It is like we fear the disappearance of ourselves if we are not connected to something or someone, the fear of not existing is the biggest fear that dissolves within us and becomes one of us ,which brings me to the quote above, we always crave and need to identify with something or someone to feel alive and to feel our existence .

I looked into my life, and it was not surprising to realize how i always cling to things and merge with them to form a coexistance that will help me BE "As i tend to believe"
Work, constant competition to prove , that i can do it..Work is so much involved in me and am so much involved in it, that thoughts of events at work just haunts me each and every moment am concious, Sometimes i try to resist, i keep on talking to my "unconcious" " it is just a job..it is just a job" and even when i settle for this thought for a while, i again loose my self to the battle of my ego at the least trigger, fear just hugs me tight , the fear of not being appreciated, the fear of loosing at the finish line of the competition, and the funny part , there is never a finish line, you will keep running and running..

No matter what i have achieved at work, i still feel something is missing, i still have the addict rush to identify with something more fullfilling and here comes the need to love and be loved, the need of having someone in your life, someone special that will complete you and make you feel whole. Why does it always seem that we will always be unhappy until we find our other half. is there something called " the other half?" we are "whole", so why do we need another half..why cant we search for another "Whole"?or why cant we live the moment of being and the "whole "will pass by eventually?

I try sometimes to drift my thoughts from this need which is aching sometimes, and here i fall into a space of emptiness, and i feel the hole getting bigger and the panic starts and triggers a new search of identification elements. i constantly seek acceptance, acceptance of my friends, my family, even anonymous people around the universe where you know you wont meet except once. Seeking acceptance, is triggered by an illusion that if am not accepted , i stop existing..

The search of identifying is everlasting and never ends
i would disagree somehow with the author of the book as he is being radical in giving the solution, he suggests that we stop looking back and stop anticipating the future and just live the moment of NOW , and here you will reach to the peace of soul and enlightment

As i stated earlier, he is being a bit unrealistic because no matter how much you try ,you can never get rid of your memories, and no matter how hard your attempts are but you will always anticipate something to come...
I believe in Balance
We need to fight the fear, the root cause of all this chaotic ego - self race is fear..We have to believe that we do exist , that way we are, no matter what our memories are and no matter how the future turns out, we are what we are, maybe by absorbing the idea that we can never change what happened and we can never predict what will happen, that will help us accept our past, accept the sorrow in it , and cherish the smile it left. it helps us give in to faith, to GOD and that whatever happens will happen for a reason..
And just love ourselves the way we are, now

This balance between the yesterday, now and tomorrow, will give us the existence we need.

i will quote myself

Today i am resisting the norm, today am resisting me, today i will be.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Solitude


Shock is literally a medical condition where the circulation of blood in the body is affected and leads to deteriorration of all the organs, and then shutdown, and death..

When you look so deeply into your life, you can see how many emotional shocks you pass through, starting from being a kid till you grow up and become a "Responsible Adult" . those emotional shocks can be so tiny, not noticeable sometimes..and sometimes, they are big, shouting, announcing their presence

It is said that "the obvious" is that a physical shock is more dangerous, it kills instantly if not treated. but is emotional shock less dangerous? less lethal? Doesnt accumalted small emotional shocks or big massive ones , lead to numbness of the whole body..? doesnt it at times, triggers huge pain that paralyzes you .. doesnt it affect your heart and scar it time by time, till the heart has no space , to beat, expand and rest? doesnt it affect your brain, kills your cells, causes brain death?

Sometimes, we avoid those effects by denial, we deny facts, so we can stay drugged into a peaceful dream. We refuse to see reality with wide eyes, we give excuses one after the other.

Sometimes itis just to late to rectify the mishappen!

But why do we deny? why do you accept distinctive diversity, why do you give in to things against your perspective?

Is it because we are scared to be alone? do we fear loneliness? but dont we end up trapped in a bigger different type of loneliness. you just stop recognizing people around you , you laugh , smile and talk as an automatic response to triggers, but you cant really observe what you see anymore, you loose your identity , and you become a stranger to your own

Solitude, what is solitude?itis defined as a state of isolation, fact or quality of being secluded from others, but why do i see Solitude as fighting the fear to be alone, facing loneliness accepting it and enjoying it, because this is the only way to know your true self, admire it and live to your thoughts, avoid all disappointments and shocks around you. In Solitude you grown stronger, because you are independent, you dont need people or events to nourish your soul or your life.
you have self satisfaction that grows from within

Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone. ~Paul Johannes Tillich, The Eternal Now

But is it easy to find Solitude? with all the chains of fear that surround us and dive into our lives? will we be able to reach that state of strength and bravery and just merge into Solitude?

Saturday, October 4, 2008

A Blue Mood


And here goes one of my blue moods


I am Stuck. this has been a constant feeling that has overwhlemed me for some time now.. Stuck somewhere ,


Do we really have a choice in our lives? i hardly felt that we have choices, i always feel that circumstances were imposed on me and i need to adapt to it accordingly.. am trying to be fair, to think of sometime when i had the choice of choosing or preferring something over the other..
Yes , it might seem like i made the choice, but when analyzing, circumstances just bundles in a chain where you feel at the end that you have no choice but to choose your act ..


When we are deeply in love, and when this person constantly hurts us, and constantly moves all his energy towards destruction then at the end of the day you have no choice but to end this love up.It is the right choice definatley.. but this is now how you planned or decided for it to be..it just happened.
You are stuck in a job...where you are brilliant and very much appreciated, but did you choose this job? No , it was imposed on you and you had no choice but to accept it and you have no other choice but to be good at it so you can keep it
Did i choose to live in this country? Hell no...but i have to live here due to all surrounding circumstance..


Our lives are just a chain where everthing corelates, tangles in a very mysterious way and through a force majeur , where most of the time you dont have a say in it
In some other Pink mood , i would have said, " an individual creates his own circumstances and a failure is one who blames it all on his circumstances"
But today , Now.. am exhausted..i cant just continue struggling and trying ...and today am blaming it on circumstances...
The whole world seems to move on...and am just stuck with choices i didnt make ...and am energyless..and cant fight it anymore...


Tomorrow might be another day..and might not