Will a good weather last?

As usual, am to early on the roads when it is still dark to beat the traffic, opening the window allowed some fresh breeze to sneak in, i inhaled so hard , allowing the air to diffuse from my lungs, to my blood and reach my mood,
I spend the whole summer like a drowning person gasping for air continuously trying so hard to survive and the moment the good weather marchs in, rescues me, i start inhaling so hard to make sure am still alive!

i drifted in my thoughts to friday where i went for a safari trip with friends, it was very good and hilarious on a group level of thinking, but when i think of it related to me and and only me...
i remeber when the sun was preparing to leave and we were in the middle of the desert where you can see nothing else but beautiful reddish orange dunes and spotted here and there with small dry bushes, i was sitting on the top of one of the dunes, my palms are connecting with the soft warm sand and looking at the sun, looking at the vast spread land where you dont know where the road begins and where it ends, animals footsteps are scattered here and there and you just wonder what animals pass through such a wild and dry land , I just fell in Love with the desert , i felt that solitary stand of it , standing and resisting the other side of the city with its tallest, largest, greatest...etc. Standing alone and strong and with all the dryness around still able to convey a message of warmth to whoever connects! it was an amazing moment , a moment of insight , a clear vision that revolves around strength, emotional strength

Another moment that affected me so much, sitting in the camp, which is somewhere in the nowhere , in the middle of the desert, they put all the lights off, and give you few minutes to gaze at the stars and fly away...the moment the lights went off, the whole sky was just spread with hundreds of stars just like an evening dress that is emboidered with Diamonds, i looked so attentively at the sky and suddenly , the stars were in a heart shape :-) , and i shouted in amazment , it is a heart! It is a sign, and my friends just started laughing and making jokes, But i did see a heart made of stars up so high, and i felt so deeply that love is my destiny..Love is around me, surrounding me and part of me..am loved by my family, my friends, and one day i will also be loved that special love that will take me away and up so high to blend with the stars!

Isnt it amazing how nature just gets to us, change our moods , softens our characters and make us Silly helpless romantic creatures!!

I just wish the good weather lasts...:)

When it Rains, it stops to begin

The events that happened last week at work, people were asked to leave, people that you have bonded for so long with and already built a comfortable relation with throughout the years, were just asked to leave, for "Reasons out of hand", Although i have spent the weekend trying to overcome the feeling, to isolate my emotional nature from work and professionalisim and just smile and say, hard luck. I believe i have succeeded just to toss it at the back of my thoughts, to cover the feelings with some anesthetic lotion.. for some other time

This other time, was today i believe, i had this total confidence in my peacefulness and slowly slowly it turned to annoyance then frustrations, urge to cry and to culminate in a doomed sense of suffocation which ironically i had no one to lean on or vent out to..

Looking back at life, it has been always like this, You struggle and struggle, till you fit, and when you fit , you begin to adjust , till you are comfortable where you are, and suddenly Life twists again so sharply, that you loose your balance and tend to fall and the cycle just goes on and on..Throughout this path you grab things on your way, peopele, memories, whatever that you can hold on to when the twist comes back again. You choose them, refine them, take care of them and keep them safe and secure because you know that they will be the arm you willl hold tight when you are shaken again... one of those choices are Friends!

What is friendship? is it defined? i checked it out on the wikepedia and this is what i got : denote co-operative and supportive behaviour between two or more beings

i asked some people , and i got few answers here and there
"Having no fear of being judged, and the comfort to share my true self."
"Support and compassion Smilies, giggles and tears "
" Fun and not too much drama"
"Trust and comfort"
"Security"

Friendship is difficult to define, it is such a vague term which can contain all and nothing at the same time,
At a younger age , i used to believe that friendship is a bless, it is holy and i used to believe that it is as simple as a qoute on those celebration cards where they say a friend is someone who you can lean on, who is there when you need him, who will laugh with you , who will cry with you.. who will listen. whom you will feel very comfortable talking to about anything and anytime

I look at those words now, and i try to think of my friends, close ones, They differ some are comfortable to be with but cant lean on , Some are so much fun, we laugh like hell but i cant share with, some are needy and wants your support but they are not there when you need them. and the list goes on..which makes me wonder, are best friends categorized, should they be categorized?

Can i have a close friend , for fun only? can i have nother one , for sharing only ? and can i be friends with someone whom i have to support always selflessly?

There is this area where everything is so grey, doubtful that when you need someone to listen to your suffocation, you are confused and hesitant, you are scared to be judged, you are worried that you will be called terms like "Drama Queen" and still you are torn apart between all those feelings and a feeling of guilt, guilt that you must accept your friends the way they are. But isnt any relationship a two way path, where you give and take? so why the guilt feelings?

Actualy all what am trying to say is Where are my friends when i need them?

Am in that twist of life and everything i can lean on is so foggy that i cant grab or hold tight onto anything, Rain Drops are falling and falling , drizzling on my face and disappearing as if they never were , why do they keep falling to a fate they know, a fate that dooms them to a nonexisting tomorrow . When will i stop falling..

Scattered Thoughts

I was told yesterday "If you think you are on your way to insanity, look around, if you find People who share you the same feeling and same thoughts , then you are normal"

Anyone out there shares my Thoughts? Please

thoughts that are constantly in my head..

I wish i can wake up in the morning, without having to DECIDE what is my state of mind, why cant my state of mind just be..

I wish i can escape here, and live somewhere far, far from the crowd, where everything will be green and the air will be exhilarating and Serenity will be the theme

People sometimes tend to enforce their opinions, Shout it out loud , so they wont hear you and give you the look when you disapparove, those people annoy me!

Alot of traditions in our part of the world just gets on my nerves and they ACTUALLY stress me out, as most of the time , i have to keep quiet so not to appear odd

Commitments are scary, they make me panic

My day cant pass by without deeply analyzing every move and every word, even if it was an issue of buying a bulb

People are judgmental creatures, they irritate me as they think they are perfect and away from being judged!!

Ways of Survival in this world haunts me , my moto nowadays is "I want to survive"

How can we be happy when our lives depends on people around us, how to detach

I cherish Solitude , but i cant practice it

I have no hold or control over the course of events in my life

Thoughts to be continued...

Anyone out there?

Now...

I had a very interesting discussion with a dear friend of mine, the discussion was triggered by a quote read from the book "the Power of Now" for Eckhart Tolle

"Since the ego is a derived sense of self, it needs to identify with external things,it needs to be both fed and defended constantly . the most common ego identifications has to do with possessions,the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance.............................................................. None of these is you "

When she read this quote out loudly, it hit a nerve , it triggered a speedy flow of thoughts emerged with emotions.
When i wander at myself and different people around me, i see us incomplete and unsatisfied. it is like a trend , no matter what you have, what you have achieved or obtained, you always hear the word" am Bored".. " i need something different " ..." i need more "
It is like we fear the disappearance of ourselves if we are not connected to something or someone, the fear of not existing is the biggest fear that dissolves within us and becomes one of us ,which brings me to the quote above, we always crave and need to identify with something or someone to feel alive and to feel our existence .

I looked into my life, and it was not surprising to realize how i always cling to things and merge with them to form a coexistance that will help me BE "As i tend to believe"
Work, constant competition to prove , that i can do it..Work is so much involved in me and am so much involved in it, that thoughts of events at work just haunts me each and every moment am concious, Sometimes i try to resist, i keep on talking to my "unconcious" " it is just a job..it is just a job" and even when i settle for this thought for a while, i again loose my self to the battle of my ego at the least trigger, fear just hugs me tight , the fear of not being appreciated, the fear of loosing at the finish line of the competition, and the funny part , there is never a finish line, you will keep running and running..

No matter what i have achieved at work, i still feel something is missing, i still have the addict rush to identify with something more fullfilling and here comes the need to love and be loved, the need of having someone in your life, someone special that will complete you and make you feel whole. Why does it always seem that we will always be unhappy until we find our other half. is there something called " the other half?" we are "whole", so why do we need another half..why cant we search for another "Whole"?or why cant we live the moment of being and the "whole "will pass by eventually?

I try sometimes to drift my thoughts from this need which is aching sometimes, and here i fall into a space of emptiness, and i feel the hole getting bigger and the panic starts and triggers a new search of identification elements. i constantly seek acceptance, acceptance of my friends, my family, even anonymous people around the universe where you know you wont meet except once. Seeking acceptance, is triggered by an illusion that if am not accepted , i stop existing..

The search of identifying is everlasting and never ends
i would disagree somehow with the author of the book as he is being radical in giving the solution, he suggests that we stop looking back and stop anticipating the future and just live the moment of NOW , and here you will reach to the peace of soul and enlightment

As i stated earlier, he is being a bit unrealistic because no matter how much you try ,you can never get rid of your memories, and no matter how hard your attempts are but you will always anticipate something to come...
I believe in Balance
We need to fight the fear, the root cause of all this chaotic ego - self race is fear..We have to believe that we do exist , that way we are, no matter what our memories are and no matter how the future turns out, we are what we are, maybe by absorbing the idea that we can never change what happened and we can never predict what will happen, that will help us accept our past, accept the sorrow in it , and cherish the smile it left. it helps us give in to faith, to GOD and that whatever happens will happen for a reason..
And just love ourselves the way we are, now

This balance between the yesterday, now and tomorrow, will give us the existence we need.

i will quote myself

Today i am resisting the norm, today am resisting me, today i will be.

Solitude

Shock is literally a medical condition where the circulation of blood in the body is affected and leads to deteriorration of all the organs, and then shutdown, and death..

When you look so deeply into your life, you can see how many emotional shocks you pass through, starting from being a kid till you grow up and become a "Responsible Adult" . those emotional shocks can be so tiny, not noticeable sometimes..and sometimes, they are big, shouting, announcing their presence

It is said that "the obvious" is that a physical shock is more dangerous, it kills instantly if not treated. but is emotional shock less dangerous? less lethal? Doesnt accumalted small emotional shocks or big massive ones , lead to numbness of the whole body..? doesnt it at times, triggers huge pain that paralyzes you .. doesnt it affect your heart and scar it time by time, till the heart has no space , to beat, expand and rest? doesnt it affect your brain, kills your cells, causes brain death?

Sometimes, we avoid those effects by denial, we deny facts, so we can stay drugged into a peaceful dream. We refuse to see reality with wide eyes, we give excuses one after the other.

Sometimes itis just to late to rectify the mishappen!

But why do we deny? why do you accept distinctive diversity, why do you give in to things against your perspective?

Is it because we are scared to be alone? do we fear loneliness? but dont we end up trapped in a bigger different type of loneliness. you just stop recognizing people around you , you laugh , smile and talk as an automatic response to triggers, but you cant really observe what you see anymore, you loose your identity , and you become a stranger to your own

Solitude, what is solitude?itis defined as a state of isolation, fact or quality of being secluded from others, but why do i see Solitude as fighting the fear to be alone, facing loneliness accepting it and enjoying it, because this is the only way to know your true self, admire it and live to your thoughts, avoid all disappointments and shocks around you. In Solitude you grown stronger, because you are independent, you dont need people or events to nourish your soul or your life.

you have self satisfaction that grows from within

Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone. ~Paul Johannes Tillich, The Eternal Now

But is it easy to find Solitude? with all the chains of fear that surround us and dive into our lives? will we be able to reach that state of strength and bravery and just merge into Solitude?