Something i realized lately, it is so easy to fall into the trap of denial , till you believe that what you are trying to convince yourself with , is the total truth and nothing beyond it. Our brains have magnificent ways to conceal the real emotions and feelings and to make us live in an illusion. playing that trick again and again till the illusion becomes a fact in a bubble, where the bubble can rise very high before it bursts and splash all over you
I was living in a denial for a whole 3 years, thinking am happy with my job, am doing fine, content and "enjoying it" .it kept me busy, waking up so early , racing time every moment of the day, moving around, making things work , till the day ends, exhausted and then drift into a dreamless sleep.Couple of weeks ago , i was laid off due to the economical crisis that hit the region and suddenly i was faced with the fact that i have alot of free time, loads of it. things started to slow down, sink in and facts started to appear clear and shouting.
I wasn't happy, not even content to say the least, i was in denial, i was trapped in the same trap i always fall into "Adaptation" . i adapted to the situation, i convinced myself,that it is right it is what i want, and it gives me self satisfaction and of course my brain played the trick took the trap , made it a fact and concealed it in a bubble.
Looking back, what was so happy about it? the memories i have of the job, is just the resentness of waking up soo early before everyone to beat traffic, looking at my watch every minute of the morning, praying so sincerely that there would be no accident on the road because i know if so i will be stuck forever. i dont even have time to look at the mirror before leaving half asleep, reaching so early to work, trying to add some make up to look cheerful and start my day..i did my job well, but did i enjoy it? Is it what i want? no, just a machine doing what i have to do, and trying to go the extra mile not because i love it, not at all, it is just the competitive side of my personality , i have to do things perfectly , i have to excel. and ofcourse it wasnt just work, the burden of listening to people , solving their issues, because somehow my face attracts problem holders and whiners and i cant say no, i have to help. and the days go on, different issues but the same same routine
After things has settled down and i dont have to wake up so early and i have time to read, think, wander,connect and communicate, i believe am more happy not working in that job, suddenly am not short-tempered, am more patient, am calm like i used to be. which makes me wonder, how can we just consume ourselves day by day in soemthing you realize at the end , that it wasnt worth it to the extent that we loose our identity, who we are and we become something different, something anonymous even to us
I have alot of free time, it bothers me at times, and it triggers the analytical person in me, but i know this time, i wont sacrifice the peace in me for something i wont enjoy, i know that i will not accept the least . and more extreme I WILL NOT ADAPT to something i dont like.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Blabbering on a rainy night
It is raining outside,
I can hear it gushing and splashing on the ground, and i can see some drops escaping from their fate ,lying exhausted on the window glass.. But that is all what i can get from this raining night, I cant view anything else just few glimpses of a dark angry sky, that i have to bend my neck in a specific angle to be able to see it. the way this city is engineered and planned is obnoxious, all what they focus on, buildings and more buildings, each one taller than the other, all having the same high rectangular shape different colors and different glass panes, but the same dullness, and lack of balconies most of the times and if surprisingly they are present , they are so small and useless.
This city is planned , to choke you, to deprave you from the view and the air..you view nothing and you hardly breath
It is still raining,
My thoughts are floating away, so far, reaching 5 years back to a city i valued and loved, a city that would reach up to you , turn you around to face it and makes you love it so gently . a city that offers you everything abundantly and generously, offers you a full view and a fresh air to breath. The rain is so different over there, you can see the sky all over you , each and every corner of it, you can watch the raindrops one by one falling and hugging the earth and on their way, they dance with the trees . the trees are so high, solid in a harmonic relationship with the sky , the earth and the rain.. Those rainy night, 5 years back is what i miss at the moment
This is the rain,
It always triggers all kind of nostalgic feelings in me,but this time those feelings are sharp and painful, because it reminds you, of you then..it reminds you of everything you tossed at the back of your mind..everything you wanted to be and you couldnt.. 5 years back, i wanted to be content, peaceful , i wanted to hug the earth and grow like the trees, i wanted to be different, i wanted to be there, i wanted passion to lead me, i wanted to connect, to communicate, but here , now, in this city am typical , am with the norm, am growing like the grass obeying the wind, i lost connection even with myself and am leaded by the norm . Am stuck in a fast city that admires only tall , serious , dull buildings. a city that is obsessed with the largest, the biggest, the fastest...etc
It is still raining..hope it stops in the morning and i will wake up with a blank brain that has no memories...
I can hear it gushing and splashing on the ground, and i can see some drops escaping from their fate ,lying exhausted on the window glass.. But that is all what i can get from this raining night, I cant view anything else just few glimpses of a dark angry sky, that i have to bend my neck in a specific angle to be able to see it. the way this city is engineered and planned is obnoxious, all what they focus on, buildings and more buildings, each one taller than the other, all having the same high rectangular shape different colors and different glass panes, but the same dullness, and lack of balconies most of the times and if surprisingly they are present , they are so small and useless.
This city is planned , to choke you, to deprave you from the view and the air..you view nothing and you hardly breath
It is still raining,
My thoughts are floating away, so far, reaching 5 years back to a city i valued and loved, a city that would reach up to you , turn you around to face it and makes you love it so gently . a city that offers you everything abundantly and generously, offers you a full view and a fresh air to breath. The rain is so different over there, you can see the sky all over you , each and every corner of it, you can watch the raindrops one by one falling and hugging the earth and on their way, they dance with the trees . the trees are so high, solid in a harmonic relationship with the sky , the earth and the rain.. Those rainy night, 5 years back is what i miss at the moment
This is the rain,
It always triggers all kind of nostalgic feelings in me,but this time those feelings are sharp and painful, because it reminds you, of you then..it reminds you of everything you tossed at the back of your mind..everything you wanted to be and you couldnt.. 5 years back, i wanted to be content, peaceful , i wanted to hug the earth and grow like the trees, i wanted to be different, i wanted to be there, i wanted passion to lead me, i wanted to connect, to communicate, but here , now, in this city am typical , am with the norm, am growing like the grass obeying the wind, i lost connection even with myself and am leaded by the norm . Am stuck in a fast city that admires only tall , serious , dull buildings. a city that is obsessed with the largest, the biggest, the fastest...etc
It is still raining..hope it stops in the morning and i will wake up with a blank brain that has no memories...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
When do we stop...
People, books, documentaries,everything around you just keeps telling you to "Have Hope"
Some books even went so far telling you that you attract what you think.WOW, so if you think hope , you attract hope and if you think despair , you attract despair. as if it is not hard enough to struggle to keep optimistic , that they even blame you if something against your wish happens!
Ok, so we need to keep hoping for good things, good people, good air. but the question that is always wandering at the background, till when??? Till when should we keep hoping for something in specific . when is the right time to stop, to move on and search for something different to hope for? It is very scary sometimes, oscillating between hope and hope, wishing for something to happen, wanting it so bad, believing that it is going to come our way one day and then days pass , it doesnt happen. and here the panic starts, should we stop hoping for it? should we move on? or is it too early? should we wait more?
I have no answers for all these questions, i seriously dont. i want to keep hoping because am scared that the myth of "you attract what you think" is true, but sometimes i am just so tired , i want to give in , i want to just lie down, loosing hope and allowing my tears to fall , to burry the dream and receive the condolances!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Will a good weather last?
As usual, am to early on the roads when it is still dark to beat the traffic, opening the window allowed some fresh breeze to sneak in, i inhaled so hard , allowing the air to diffuse from my lungs, to my blood and reach my mood,
I spend the whole summer like a drowning person gasping for air continuously trying so hard to survive and the moment the good weather marchs in, rescues me, i start inhaling so hard to make sure am still alive!
i drifted in my thoughts to friday where i went for a safari trip with friends, it was very good and hilarious on a group level of thinking, but when i think of it related to me and and only me...
i remeber when the sun was preparing to leave and we were in the middle of the desert where you can see nothing else but beautiful reddish orange dunes and spotted here and there with small dry bushes, i was sitting on the top of one of the dunes, my palms are connecting with the soft warm sand and looking at the sun, looking at the vast spread land where you dont know where the road begins and where it ends, animals footsteps are scattered here and there and you just wonder what animals pass through such a wild and dry land , I just fell in Love with the desert , i felt that solitary stand of it , standing and resisting the other side of the city with its tallest, largest, greatest...etc. Standing alone and strong and with all the dryness around still able to convey a message of warmth to whoever connects! it was an amazing moment , a moment of insight , a clear vision that revolves around strength, emotional strength
Another moment that affected me so much, sitting in the camp, which is somewhere in the nowhere , in the middle of the desert, they put all the lights off, and give you few minutes to gaze at the stars and fly away...the moment the lights went off, the whole sky was just spread with hundreds of stars just like an evening dress that is emboidered with Diamonds, i looked so attentively at the sky and suddenly , the stars were in a heart shape :-) , and i shouted in amazment , it is a heart! It is a sign, and my friends just started laughing and making jokes, But i did see a heart made of stars up so high, and i felt so deeply that love is my destiny..Love is around me, surrounding me and part of me..am loved by my family, my friends, and one day i will also be loved that special love that will take me away and up so high to blend with the stars!
Isnt it amazing how nature just gets to us, change our moods , softens our characters and make us Silly helpless romantic creatures!!
I just wish the good weather lasts...:)
I spend the whole summer like a drowning person gasping for air continuously trying so hard to survive and the moment the good weather marchs in, rescues me, i start inhaling so hard to make sure am still alive!
i drifted in my thoughts to friday where i went for a safari trip with friends, it was very good and hilarious on a group level of thinking, but when i think of it related to me and and only me...
i remeber when the sun was preparing to leave and we were in the middle of the desert where you can see nothing else but beautiful reddish orange dunes and spotted here and there with small dry bushes, i was sitting on the top of one of the dunes, my palms are connecting with the soft warm sand and looking at the sun, looking at the vast spread land where you dont know where the road begins and where it ends, animals footsteps are scattered here and there and you just wonder what animals pass through such a wild and dry land , I just fell in Love with the desert , i felt that solitary stand of it , standing and resisting the other side of the city with its tallest, largest, greatest...etc. Standing alone and strong and with all the dryness around still able to convey a message of warmth to whoever connects! it was an amazing moment , a moment of insight , a clear vision that revolves around strength, emotional strength
Another moment that affected me so much, sitting in the camp, which is somewhere in the nowhere , in the middle of the desert, they put all the lights off, and give you few minutes to gaze at the stars and fly away...the moment the lights went off, the whole sky was just spread with hundreds of stars just like an evening dress that is emboidered with Diamonds, i looked so attentively at the sky and suddenly , the stars were in a heart shape :-) , and i shouted in amazment , it is a heart! It is a sign, and my friends just started laughing and making jokes, But i did see a heart made of stars up so high, and i felt so deeply that love is my destiny..Love is around me, surrounding me and part of me..am loved by my family, my friends, and one day i will also be loved that special love that will take me away and up so high to blend with the stars!
Isnt it amazing how nature just gets to us, change our moods , softens our characters and make us Silly helpless romantic creatures!!
I just wish the good weather lasts...:)
Monday, November 17, 2008
When it Rains, it stops to begin
The events that happened last week at work, people were asked to leave, people that you have bonded for so long with and already built a comfortable relation with throughout the years, were just asked to leave, for "Reasons out of hand", Although i have spent the weekend trying to overcome the feeling, to isolate my emotional nature from work and professionalisim and just smile and say, hard luck. I believe i have succeeded just to toss it at the back of my thoughts, to cover the feelings with some anesthetic lotion.. for some other time
This other time, was today i believe, i had this total confidence in my peacefulness and slowly slowly it turned to annoyance then frustrations, urge to cry and to culminate in a doomed sense of suffocation which ironically i had no one to lean on or vent out to..
Looking back at life, it has been always like this, You struggle and struggle, till you fit, and when you fit , you begin to adjust , till you are comfortable where you are, and suddenly Life twists again so sharply, that you loose your balance and tend to fall and the cycle just goes on and on..Throughout this path you grab things on your way, peopele, memories, whatever that you can hold on to when the twist comes back again. You choose them, refine them, take care of them and keep them safe and secure because you know that they will be the arm you willl hold tight when you are shaken again... one of those choices are Friends!
What is friendship? is it defined? i checked it out on the wikepedia and this is what i got : denote co-operative and supportive behaviour between two or more beings
i asked some people , and i got few answers here and there
"Having no fear of being judged, and the comfort to share my true self."
"Support and compassion Smilies, giggles and tears "
" Fun and not too much drama"
"Trust and comfort"
"Security"
Friendship is difficult to define, it is such a vague term which can contain all and nothing at the same time,
At a younger age , i used to believe that friendship is a bless, it is holy and i used to believe that it is as simple as a qoute on those celebration cards where they say a friend is someone who you can lean on, who is there when you need him, who will laugh with you , who will cry with you.. who will listen. whom you will feel very comfortable talking to about anything and anytime
I look at those words now, and i try to think of my friends, close ones, They differ some are comfortable to be with but cant lean on , Some are so much fun, we laugh like hell but i cant share with, some are needy and wants your support but they are not there when you need them. and the list goes on..which makes me wonder, are best friends categorized, should they be categorized?
Can i have a close friend , for fun only? can i have nother one , for sharing only ? and can i be friends with someone whom i have to support always selflessly?
There is this area where everything is so grey, doubtful that when you need someone to listen to your suffocation, you are confused and hesitant, you are scared to be judged, you are worried that you will be called terms like "Drama Queen" and still you are torn apart between all those feelings and a feeling of guilt, guilt that you must accept your friends the way they are. But isnt any relationship a two way path, where you give and take? so why the guilt feelings?
Actualy all what am trying to say is Where are my friends when i need them?
Am in that twist of life and everything i can lean on is so foggy that i cant grab or hold tight onto anything, Rain Drops are falling and falling , drizzling on my face and disappearing as if they never were , why do they keep falling to a fate they know, a fate that dooms them to a nonexisting tomorrow . When will i stop falling..
This other time, was today i believe, i had this total confidence in my peacefulness and slowly slowly it turned to annoyance then frustrations, urge to cry and to culminate in a doomed sense of suffocation which ironically i had no one to lean on or vent out to..
Looking back at life, it has been always like this, You struggle and struggle, till you fit, and when you fit , you begin to adjust , till you are comfortable where you are, and suddenly Life twists again so sharply, that you loose your balance and tend to fall and the cycle just goes on and on..Throughout this path you grab things on your way, peopele, memories, whatever that you can hold on to when the twist comes back again. You choose them, refine them, take care of them and keep them safe and secure because you know that they will be the arm you willl hold tight when you are shaken again... one of those choices are Friends!
What is friendship? is it defined? i checked it out on the wikepedia and this is what i got : denote co-operative and supportive behaviour between two or more beings
i asked some people , and i got few answers here and there
"Having no fear of being judged, and the comfort to share my true self."
"Support and compassion Smilies, giggles and tears "
" Fun and not too much drama"
"Trust and comfort"
"Security"
Friendship is difficult to define, it is such a vague term which can contain all and nothing at the same time,
At a younger age , i used to believe that friendship is a bless, it is holy and i used to believe that it is as simple as a qoute on those celebration cards where they say a friend is someone who you can lean on, who is there when you need him, who will laugh with you , who will cry with you.. who will listen. whom you will feel very comfortable talking to about anything and anytime
I look at those words now, and i try to think of my friends, close ones, They differ some are comfortable to be with but cant lean on , Some are so much fun, we laugh like hell but i cant share with, some are needy and wants your support but they are not there when you need them. and the list goes on..which makes me wonder, are best friends categorized, should they be categorized?
Can i have a close friend , for fun only? can i have nother one , for sharing only ? and can i be friends with someone whom i have to support always selflessly?
There is this area where everything is so grey, doubtful that when you need someone to listen to your suffocation, you are confused and hesitant, you are scared to be judged, you are worried that you will be called terms like "Drama Queen" and still you are torn apart between all those feelings and a feeling of guilt, guilt that you must accept your friends the way they are. But isnt any relationship a two way path, where you give and take? so why the guilt feelings?
Actualy all what am trying to say is Where are my friends when i need them?
Am in that twist of life and everything i can lean on is so foggy that i cant grab or hold tight onto anything, Rain Drops are falling and falling , drizzling on my face and disappearing as if they never were , why do they keep falling to a fate they know, a fate that dooms them to a nonexisting tomorrow . When will i stop falling..
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