Morphinization

Continuous thoughts on "Inner Void"

As much as we like to believe that we are independent people, but the ugly truth is that we are not, no matter how much we achieve, we are very dependent at core!

We live alone, work and earn good money, study and have good certificates, we have our own cars, our own believes , our own belongings. but we are still dependent. dependent on others to feel good about ourselves, we crave for compliments. when we are sad lonely we want friends around us, we want to cry on their shoulders and pour out all our worries. when we are lonely, we start wondering why are we still single, why we are not in love? and the funny part is no matter what we do to fill this loneliness, like fetching a new hobby or indulging in a new course or activity we will still feel lonely and we will long for that mate who will rescue us from our suffering.

It all revolves around that empty void we feel inside sometimes or even constantly, this void can be sensed as a painful feeling, it could be felt like a sharp stabbing pain, or a sensation of doomed death, or a heaving heaviness or maybe we will suddenly gasp for air feeling that we cant breath anymore..no matter how it feels or how is it described, we always search for the Morphine. that -maybe- a temporary relief, but it feels good , it makes you high, it makes you smile, laugh and feel weightless..This Morphine can come in many forms, it can come in a form of a forbidden love, or pretending to be in love, or pretending to enjoy the company of a group, or going crazy and doing stuff you never do when you are conscious and sane..Then the morphine wears out and you start facing reality again and the pain is more severe because when you are on morphine you are semi unconcious, and you might hurt yourself or others unintentionally.

Yeah, i know morphine is dangerous, it can be harmful and it can cause addiction, but when this painful void haunts back, there is no harm of a bit of morphinization!

Reason Argument

Very eager to start the semester, I was researching a scientific topic related, and the term “Reason argument” caught my attention, so I went on researching it further, and because am very known to always float away from the subject , I reached to an article talking about reason argument in discussing religion, the article was all about atheism and Christianity, which is of very limited interest to me as am not a Christian. What caught my attention in the article is that how defensive we become when anyone points to our religion in suspicion that we indulge in an emotional defense argument weighing off any reason sometimes. We panic ! but why? If we know that we are on the right track, if we know that what we belive in is not just inherited but well adopted because it matches our instincts and needs..why do we panic? Why do we rush into defending it blindly without searching for confirmed foundations to support our argument? And because we are so busy brushing off the “attack”, we fail to see the base of this attack, is it a real attack? Or it is just merely a question to understand and absorb? Is this so called attack , an attack on the religion itself or on history? Or on people who adopt religion in a certain way?
If it is a question about a historical information, then I believe we should take a breath, calm down and on to our books and internet search to confirm this historical information. We all know that history is subjective, nothing is confirmed! How many of us were shocked when introduced to the real world that our history information that was spooned to us during school had many flaws and false information. How many of us were shocked to know that many of our defeats were due to betrayals from friends. We have spies and traitors, which definitely we didn’t know that studying the history book in school. History can be wrong! And let me go a bit extreme in saying, sometimes you can never reach to the full accurate truth about what happened or how facts were transferred among generations. So, why do we jump to defend a historical fact knowing that it is suspicious?
If the question was towards religious people, again, religious people are just HUMAN, they are not prophets, they are not angels, they use their knowledge and their perspective when explaining issues, therefore they can simple make mistakes! So again we need to breath, calm down, look for the truth and use our brains, our reason to defend whatever is said if it is defendable!When we use sound and reasonable argument, we should aim towards the truth and nothing but that, we don’t want to win or score a point on our opponent! We just want to confirm, again, that we are right, that we chose to believe in is the truth that just goes along with our instincts and knowing the right facts will just confirm it and support it. No panic and no fear!

Inner Void!

While reading "Let me stand alone: The Journals of Rachel Corrie" , and while she was defining the qualities that she find attractive in others, this caught my attention

"Independence: People who value alone time and take it. People who have their own agenda. .People who are their own best friends."

We always assume ,ofcourse depending on literature, and society definitions, that independency is having a good career, good money, own house, own car, fullfilling realtionship..etc, in fact we are dependent even if we have all this, we are dependent on our boss and co workers, to tell us that we are doing a good job and if they dont, no matter how hard we try we are still not satisfied. Money, we are constantly worried, making our calculations, making sure there will be enough till the end of the month if we go buy something expensive or something we want..and no matter how much money we gain more, we still feel it is not enough because we start wanting more..and we are eventually not satisfied.We are living alone, having a beautiful house, but still we are constantly bored and lonely and we are not satisfied, and i wont start here on relationships la2nu i will need 100s of posts to talk about the empty feelings and unsatisfaction between friends, lover, couples, spouses

All those elements are the crust, shallow physical things, that you never feel full , you are always hungry for more, never satisfied , disconnected and having this aching inner void

We just lost the connection with our core, our peace..we are so busy to know US, to love US, to enjoy the time we spent with US. We are scared to have some free time, because we will feel the void again, so we are always desperate for company, desperate for someone to love, desperate for a job and so on..

And no! it is not easy to stop searching, it is not easy to be independet, and if you think am having a solution here, then am disappointing you, because am still in that area where i feel the void and the emptiness..am too disconnected from my core and floating somewhere there..
Maybe i need to start writing a diary, where my thoughts will fall onto lines, organized lines and i will find myself between them..am not sure

they tell you that the first step to solve an issue is to know the root of it. well i have analyzed above the root of the inner void i feel, but Sorry, i cant find the solution, i dont know what is the next step!

Nonsense Ramblings

Disclaimer: Am not acting GIRLY and SPOILED here, because am not. Am tough, always have been, strong enough to fight struggles, maybe not win, but at least i try. so this post is not in any means intended to show any girly senseless emotions.

It all started when a friend recommended that i should watch the movie "7 pounds" . his exact words were " take a pack of paper tissue and go", which is a good line to make me insist on watching a movie, not because am a drama queen and i just like to sulk in sadness, but because am a moody person, i flip from a mood to another, and when am in the mood to cry, i let it be, because on the contrary to others, i believe that crying is healthy, it releases your frustration and sets you ready to start all over again and because i was in that mood, i just watched alone at home, in the darkness of my room, the movie starts beautiful, catches your attention, and makes you want to know, till that scene where he commits suicide, they just couldnt let him commit suicide in a normal way, or the ordinary way, like shooting himself, or poisoning himself something quick and fast and would pass by you before you even focus, they decided that he should die by immersing his body in a sink full of ice,and there is a big jelly fish in a bucket where he suddenly without warning, pulls and throws in the sink he is in, they show you the jelly fish swimming in the tub he is in, and then detail by detail , the pain,agony,death. WHY?

After the movie ended , i was just staring in the dark, the jelly fish just keeps swimming in again and again and again, and then the thoughts just takes me back to my major phobia , SNAKES, i have a serious phobia, whenever am asked how do you feel you are going to die, i always say from a snake bite, sometimes, i suddenly jump out of my bed and start looking attentively for a snake that might show up!where did i get that phobia? my first year of college, watching a documentary about how nature revenges, one of the stories, about a snake hunter , who gets killed by a snake in his bathroom and ofcourse they had to act the scene and show a big ugly snake in the bathroom. WHY?

Today, the mood is perfect, joyful even hopeful which is rare, i set myself to sit and watch my favourite series. Grey's Anatomy, a series which am addicted to, i love it because it is real, not some tacky love series where everyone is happy and life is bright. it is a good series that talks about humans, normal ones, with good and bad..Grey's Anatomy is the part of my "loving myself time" where i give myself a treat before drifting to sleep. They had to show a case where some parasites or worms infest a some patient's Brain, which is fine talking about it, but they had to show you the surgeon pulling out each and every parasite, and show you the parasites swimming in a plate. and now i cannot drink my Pepsi . WHY?

i understand people get a thrill from action movies, they enjoy the adrenaline rush when watching a horror movie,, but what i cant absorb that what is the fun in showing disgusting creatures in details on TV? cant they just hint about it? why do they have to ruin our day, or our favourite show, or even cause us a phobia, with disgusting details that adds nothing. WHY?

i need to watch friends for a change!

Mildly rebellious thoughts..

The society is a messed up theatre, people struggle to fit in, to abide by the scenario, make sure to meet the expectations of an audience with double standards.

Yes double standards is the main character of such a society, everyone brags about being right, being committed to the society and its rules, Not only this, this society gives itself the right to judge people, label them and isolate them if necessary. Surprisingly, everyone has a secretive life, opinions that they dont voice out because they dont want to be doomed to such a life-sentence penalty!

How do we give ourselves the right to judge people? on what basis? are we perfect? isnt it that what goes around comes around, isnt there a probability that we would fall in the same trap? wont we want at that time, compassion, understanding and empathy?

We try to create our own limited circles, where we mingle together, whisper our real opinions, concerns and believes, we swear an oath to keep it between us, because the outter world wont understand, our indulgment in those circles just drugs us and gives us an illusion that we are flowing smoothly with the world because the world at that point of the coma is the closed circle. But illusions are fated to end, and suddenly you wake up to a society that confuses you, and denies logic, judges you harshly and exhausts you.

Try to discuss something out of your circle, and suddenly everyone is a saint, religious, committed, perfect husband, ideal lover, loyal friend, flawless person

GIVE ME A BREAK, we are complicated creatures, confused and lost in this society, we are not perfect and so are not others. everyone has his insecurities, weak points, and weak moments.

we are not always in control, we loose it sometimes , perspectives are different, so what seems right to me might be wrong to you , but this shouldnt affect me and you, we can still understand and get along.

It is so tiring to always fight to fit in, to be what people expect from you. to make them "proud"

Just BE and let others BE!