Something i realized lately, it is so easy to fall into the trap of denial , till you believe that what you are trying to convince yourself with , is the total truth and nothing beyond it. Our brains have magnificent ways to conceal the real emotions and feelings and to make us live in an illusion. playing that trick again and again till the illusion becomes a fact in a bubble, where the bubble can rise very high before it bursts and splash all over you
I was living in a denial for a whole 3 years, thinking am happy with my job, am doing fine, content and "enjoying it" .it kept me busy, waking up so early , racing time every moment of the day, moving around, making things work , till the day ends, exhausted and then drift into a dreamless sleep.Couple of weeks ago , i was laid off due to the economical crisis that hit the region and suddenly i was faced with the fact that i have alot of free time, loads of it. things started to slow down, sink in and facts started to appear clear and shouting.
I wasn't happy, not even content to say the least, i was in denial, i was trapped in the same trap i always fall into "Adaptation" . i adapted to the situation, i convinced myself,that it is right it is what i want, and it gives me self satisfaction and of course my brain played the trick took the trap , made it a fact and concealed it in a bubble.
Looking back, what was so happy about it? the memories i have of the job, is just the resentness of waking up soo early before everyone to beat traffic, looking at my watch every minute of the morning, praying so sincerely that there would be no accident on the road because i know if so i will be stuck forever. i dont even have time to look at the mirror before leaving half asleep, reaching so early to work, trying to add some make up to look cheerful and start my day..i did my job well, but did i enjoy it? Is it what i want? no, just a machine doing what i have to do, and trying to go the extra mile not because i love it, not at all, it is just the competitive side of my personality , i have to do things perfectly , i have to excel. and ofcourse it wasnt just work, the burden of listening to people , solving their issues, because somehow my face attracts problem holders and whiners and i cant say no, i have to help. and the days go on, different issues but the same same routine
After things has settled down and i dont have to wake up so early and i have time to read, think, wander,connect and communicate, i believe am more happy not working in that job, suddenly am not short-tempered, am more patient, am calm like i used to be. which makes me wonder, how can we just consume ourselves day by day in soemthing you realize at the end , that it wasnt worth it to the extent that we loose our identity, who we are and we become something different, something anonymous even to us
I have alot of free time, it bothers me at times, and it triggers the analytical person in me, but i know this time, i wont sacrifice the peace in me for something i wont enjoy, i know that i will not accept the least . and more extreme I WILL NOT ADAPT to something i dont like.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Blabbering on a rainy night
It is raining outside,
I can hear it gushing and splashing on the ground, and i can see some drops escaping from their fate ,lying exhausted on the window glass.. But that is all what i can get from this raining night, I cant view anything else just few glimpses of a dark angry sky, that i have to bend my neck in a specific angle to be able to see it. the way this city is engineered and planned is obnoxious, all what they focus on, buildings and more buildings, each one taller than the other, all having the same high rectangular shape different colors and different glass panes, but the same dullness, and lack of balconies most of the times and if surprisingly they are present , they are so small and useless.
This city is planned , to choke you, to deprave you from the view and the air..you view nothing and you hardly breath
It is still raining,
My thoughts are floating away, so far, reaching 5 years back to a city i valued and loved, a city that would reach up to you , turn you around to face it and makes you love it so gently . a city that offers you everything abundantly and generously, offers you a full view and a fresh air to breath. The rain is so different over there, you can see the sky all over you , each and every corner of it, you can watch the raindrops one by one falling and hugging the earth and on their way, they dance with the trees . the trees are so high, solid in a harmonic relationship with the sky , the earth and the rain.. Those rainy night, 5 years back is what i miss at the moment
This is the rain,
It always triggers all kind of nostalgic feelings in me,but this time those feelings are sharp and painful, because it reminds you, of you then..it reminds you of everything you tossed at the back of your mind..everything you wanted to be and you couldnt.. 5 years back, i wanted to be content, peaceful , i wanted to hug the earth and grow like the trees, i wanted to be different, i wanted to be there, i wanted passion to lead me, i wanted to connect, to communicate, but here , now, in this city am typical , am with the norm, am growing like the grass obeying the wind, i lost connection even with myself and am leaded by the norm . Am stuck in a fast city that admires only tall , serious , dull buildings. a city that is obsessed with the largest, the biggest, the fastest...etc
It is still raining..hope it stops in the morning and i will wake up with a blank brain that has no memories...
I can hear it gushing and splashing on the ground, and i can see some drops escaping from their fate ,lying exhausted on the window glass.. But that is all what i can get from this raining night, I cant view anything else just few glimpses of a dark angry sky, that i have to bend my neck in a specific angle to be able to see it. the way this city is engineered and planned is obnoxious, all what they focus on, buildings and more buildings, each one taller than the other, all having the same high rectangular shape different colors and different glass panes, but the same dullness, and lack of balconies most of the times and if surprisingly they are present , they are so small and useless.
This city is planned , to choke you, to deprave you from the view and the air..you view nothing and you hardly breath
It is still raining,
My thoughts are floating away, so far, reaching 5 years back to a city i valued and loved, a city that would reach up to you , turn you around to face it and makes you love it so gently . a city that offers you everything abundantly and generously, offers you a full view and a fresh air to breath. The rain is so different over there, you can see the sky all over you , each and every corner of it, you can watch the raindrops one by one falling and hugging the earth and on their way, they dance with the trees . the trees are so high, solid in a harmonic relationship with the sky , the earth and the rain.. Those rainy night, 5 years back is what i miss at the moment
This is the rain,
It always triggers all kind of nostalgic feelings in me,but this time those feelings are sharp and painful, because it reminds you, of you then..it reminds you of everything you tossed at the back of your mind..everything you wanted to be and you couldnt.. 5 years back, i wanted to be content, peaceful , i wanted to hug the earth and grow like the trees, i wanted to be different, i wanted to be there, i wanted passion to lead me, i wanted to connect, to communicate, but here , now, in this city am typical , am with the norm, am growing like the grass obeying the wind, i lost connection even with myself and am leaded by the norm . Am stuck in a fast city that admires only tall , serious , dull buildings. a city that is obsessed with the largest, the biggest, the fastest...etc
It is still raining..hope it stops in the morning and i will wake up with a blank brain that has no memories...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
When do we stop...
People, books, documentaries,everything around you just keeps telling you to "Have Hope"
Some books even went so far telling you that you attract what you think.WOW, so if you think hope , you attract hope and if you think despair , you attract despair. as if it is not hard enough to struggle to keep optimistic , that they even blame you if something against your wish happens!
Ok, so we need to keep hoping for good things, good people, good air. but the question that is always wandering at the background, till when??? Till when should we keep hoping for something in specific . when is the right time to stop, to move on and search for something different to hope for? It is very scary sometimes, oscillating between hope and hope, wishing for something to happen, wanting it so bad, believing that it is going to come our way one day and then days pass , it doesnt happen. and here the panic starts, should we stop hoping for it? should we move on? or is it too early? should we wait more?
I have no answers for all these questions, i seriously dont. i want to keep hoping because am scared that the myth of "you attract what you think" is true, but sometimes i am just so tired , i want to give in , i want to just lie down, loosing hope and allowing my tears to fall , to burry the dream and receive the condolances!
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