Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Between jobs..

Something i realized lately, it is so easy to fall into the trap of denial , till you believe that what you are trying to convince yourself with , is the total truth and nothing beyond it. Our brains have magnificent ways to conceal the real emotions and feelings and to make us live in an illusion. playing that trick again and again till the illusion becomes a fact in a bubble, where the bubble can rise very high before it bursts and splash all over you

I was living in a denial for a whole 3 years, thinking am happy with my job, am doing fine, content and "enjoying it" .it kept me busy, waking up so early , racing time every moment of the day, moving around, making things work , till the day ends, exhausted and then drift into a dreamless sleep.Couple of weeks ago , i was laid off due to the economical crisis that hit the region and suddenly i was faced with the fact that i have alot of free time, loads of it. things started to slow down, sink in and facts started to appear clear and shouting.

I wasn't happy, not even content to say the least, i was in denial, i was trapped in the same trap i always fall into "Adaptation" . i adapted to the situation, i convinced myself,that it is right it is what i want, and it gives me self satisfaction and of course my brain played the trick took the trap , made it a fact and concealed it in a bubble.

Looking back, what was so happy about it? the memories i have of the job, is just the resentness of waking up soo early before everyone to beat traffic, looking at my watch every minute of the morning, praying so sincerely that there would be no accident on the road because i know if so i will be stuck forever. i dont even have time to look at the mirror before leaving half asleep, reaching so early to work, trying to add some make up to look cheerful and start my day..i did my job well, but did i enjoy it? Is it what i want? no, just a machine doing what i have to do, and trying to go the extra mile not because i love it, not at all, it is just the competitive side of my personality , i have to do things perfectly , i have to excel. and ofcourse it wasnt just work, the burden of listening to people , solving their issues, because somehow my face attracts problem holders and whiners and i cant say no, i have to help. and the days go on, different issues but the same same routine

After things has settled down and i dont have to wake up so early and i have time to read, think, wander,connect and communicate, i believe am more happy not working in that job, suddenly am not short-tempered, am more patient, am calm like i used to be. which makes me wonder, how can we just consume ourselves day by day in soemthing you realize at the end , that it wasnt worth it to the extent that we loose our identity, who we are and we become something different, something anonymous even to us

I have alot of free time, it bothers me at times, and it triggers the analytical person in me, but i know this time, i wont sacrifice the peace in me for something i wont enjoy, i know that i will not accept the least . and more extreme I WILL NOT ADAPT to something i dont like.

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