Inner Void!

While reading "Let me stand alone: The Journals of Rachel Corrie" , and while she was defining the qualities that she find attractive in others, this caught my attention

"Independence: People who value alone time and take it. People who have their own agenda. .People who are their own best friends."

We always assume ,ofcourse depending on literature, and society definitions, that independency is having a good career, good money, own house, own car, fullfilling realtionship..etc, in fact we are dependent even if we have all this, we are dependent on our boss and co workers, to tell us that we are doing a good job and if they dont, no matter how hard we try we are still not satisfied. Money, we are constantly worried, making our calculations, making sure there will be enough till the end of the month if we go buy something expensive or something we want..and no matter how much money we gain more, we still feel it is not enough because we start wanting more..and we are eventually not satisfied.We are living alone, having a beautiful house, but still we are constantly bored and lonely and we are not satisfied, and i wont start here on relationships la2nu i will need 100s of posts to talk about the empty feelings and unsatisfaction between friends, lover, couples, spouses

All those elements are the crust, shallow physical things, that you never feel full , you are always hungry for more, never satisfied , disconnected and having this aching inner void

We just lost the connection with our core, our peace..we are so busy to know US, to love US, to enjoy the time we spent with US. We are scared to have some free time, because we will feel the void again, so we are always desperate for company, desperate for someone to love, desperate for a job and so on..

And no! it is not easy to stop searching, it is not easy to be independet, and if you think am having a solution here, then am disappointing you, because am still in that area where i feel the void and the emptiness..am too disconnected from my core and floating somewhere there..
Maybe i need to start writing a diary, where my thoughts will fall onto lines, organized lines and i will find myself between them..am not sure

they tell you that the first step to solve an issue is to know the root of it. well i have analyzed above the root of the inner void i feel, but Sorry, i cant find the solution, i dont know what is the next step!

Nonsense Ramblings

Disclaimer: Am not acting GIRLY and SPOILED here, because am not. Am tough, always have been, strong enough to fight struggles, maybe not win, but at least i try. so this post is not in any means intended to show any girly senseless emotions.

It all started when a friend recommended that i should watch the movie "7 pounds" . his exact words were " take a pack of paper tissue and go", which is a good line to make me insist on watching a movie, not because am a drama queen and i just like to sulk in sadness, but because am a moody person, i flip from a mood to another, and when am in the mood to cry, i let it be, because on the contrary to others, i believe that crying is healthy, it releases your frustration and sets you ready to start all over again and because i was in that mood, i just watched alone at home, in the darkness of my room, the movie starts beautiful, catches your attention, and makes you want to know, till that scene where he commits suicide, they just couldnt let him commit suicide in a normal way, or the ordinary way, like shooting himself, or poisoning himself something quick and fast and would pass by you before you even focus, they decided that he should die by immersing his body in a sink full of ice,and there is a big jelly fish in a bucket where he suddenly without warning, pulls and throws in the sink he is in, they show you the jelly fish swimming in the tub he is in, and then detail by detail , the pain,agony,death. WHY?

After the movie ended , i was just staring in the dark, the jelly fish just keeps swimming in again and again and again, and then the thoughts just takes me back to my major phobia , SNAKES, i have a serious phobia, whenever am asked how do you feel you are going to die, i always say from a snake bite, sometimes, i suddenly jump out of my bed and start looking attentively for a snake that might show up!where did i get that phobia? my first year of college, watching a documentary about how nature revenges, one of the stories, about a snake hunter , who gets killed by a snake in his bathroom and ofcourse they had to act the scene and show a big ugly snake in the bathroom. WHY?

Today, the mood is perfect, joyful even hopeful which is rare, i set myself to sit and watch my favourite series. Grey's Anatomy, a series which am addicted to, i love it because it is real, not some tacky love series where everyone is happy and life is bright. it is a good series that talks about humans, normal ones, with good and bad..Grey's Anatomy is the part of my "loving myself time" where i give myself a treat before drifting to sleep. They had to show a case where some parasites or worms infest a some patient's Brain, which is fine talking about it, but they had to show you the surgeon pulling out each and every parasite, and show you the parasites swimming in a plate. and now i cannot drink my Pepsi . WHY?

i understand people get a thrill from action movies, they enjoy the adrenaline rush when watching a horror movie,, but what i cant absorb that what is the fun in showing disgusting creatures in details on TV? cant they just hint about it? why do they have to ruin our day, or our favourite show, or even cause us a phobia, with disgusting details that adds nothing. WHY?

i need to watch friends for a change!

Mildly rebellious thoughts..

The society is a messed up theatre, people struggle to fit in, to abide by the scenario, make sure to meet the expectations of an audience with double standards.

Yes double standards is the main character of such a society, everyone brags about being right, being committed to the society and its rules, Not only this, this society gives itself the right to judge people, label them and isolate them if necessary. Surprisingly, everyone has a secretive life, opinions that they dont voice out because they dont want to be doomed to such a life-sentence penalty!

How do we give ourselves the right to judge people? on what basis? are we perfect? isnt it that what goes around comes around, isnt there a probability that we would fall in the same trap? wont we want at that time, compassion, understanding and empathy?

We try to create our own limited circles, where we mingle together, whisper our real opinions, concerns and believes, we swear an oath to keep it between us, because the outter world wont understand, our indulgment in those circles just drugs us and gives us an illusion that we are flowing smoothly with the world because the world at that point of the coma is the closed circle. But illusions are fated to end, and suddenly you wake up to a society that confuses you, and denies logic, judges you harshly and exhausts you.

Try to discuss something out of your circle, and suddenly everyone is a saint, religious, committed, perfect husband, ideal lover, loyal friend, flawless person

GIVE ME A BREAK, we are complicated creatures, confused and lost in this society, we are not perfect and so are not others. everyone has his insecurities, weak points, and weak moments.

we are not always in control, we loose it sometimes , perspectives are different, so what seems right to me might be wrong to you , but this shouldnt affect me and you, we can still understand and get along.

It is so tiring to always fight to fit in, to be what people expect from you. to make them "proud"

Just BE and let others BE!

A moment..

I paused and looked around, Silence has invaded my space , a disturbing silence as if i was standing behind a window pane, where everything reaches me fadely.. the only voice i can hear is the cries of those flocks of seagulls, confusing me, are they cries of joy , joy of catching the prey which means security of the day, and assurance of no hunger at least for the coming hours? or cries of hunger, because everything around learned to be cautious and not to take any step unless it is sure that it is safe, so no more preys, no more food , or are they the cries of aching pain because , their dear has been captured by a ray?


People are passing by , and am frozen in this pause, no body notices me, they keep passing by, some are in hurry, some are worried, some are happy , others are in love, some are lonely and some are just clueless, nothing speaks out of them , except a set of eyes that tells you everthing, but i cant read, Blur is all i can see, i can distinguish the accelrating movement of people and the voices fading and fading and am still stuck in the moment



I reach out, spread my hand, asking my companion for help, pleading for vision and voice, but am expressionless and confused, and am blurring, the set of eyes was talking to me, it might have said that they dont get it, or they might have blamed me, or judged me, or simply didnt care, i cant really tell..i realize in a clear fraction of the second.. am disconnected!


I am in the moment, totally isolated, cant recognise my heart beat, or the feel of the breeze on my skin, cant see the water hitting the shore , am stuck , frozen and disconnected


I panic, but no one can realize or see, they keep passing by in hurry and the seagulls are still confused and busy figuring it out..the air is surfin away and am choking, the water is fighting back and am drowning, confusion: why is this happening, it is not the time, not now, connect me i ask..i demand, but the sand is just crawling and am sinking..Am angry, and my anger is howling inside of me, but reaches no where as it hits and fly back to me..am disconnected

Yes, am diconnected!

PS: special thanks to Rana, who keeps lending me , photos she captures

Dazzled!

I know many of my friends, think that i do exagerrate when i talk about my connection with nature, how it affects me and controls my mood and some think that am even silly, leaving all the "fun" around here in dubai and wandering with my thoughts hoping for a slower life in a town that screams green all over, but this is how i was built, formed and grew, for me, nature is part of me, it affects me, controls my mood and triggers different , different emotions , it played a role in who i became and it continues to restructure me always
Yesterday we decided to do something out of the normal routine, away from the boring outings, the smiles here and there, the normal discussions - which usually leads to no where - we decided to go on a road trip to the eatern coast!
the day starts with me waking up in a grumpy mood, coz i didnt have enough sleep but had to wake up early to make use of the day, a very grumpy mood that i blast on my friends for not comitting to the time agreed, then faking a smile because you dont want to ruin the day.. the road trip starts from the desert, a continous orange yellow dunes with scattered fading green bushes going on and on, till the desert starts meeting with dark rocky mountains, trying to raise high to reach the top of it , but it fails , it says bye and leaves the stage to those solid , standing mountains and here i start to synchronize with the atmosphere, i start to breath well, feeling my all emotions rising high , when we stop for pics on the road, i just hear the silence, the silence of everything and i rember authours talking about the voice of silence and suddenly i understand, how can silence have a voice? it does, i swear it does, it talks to you, collects all your moods, worries, confusions and stumbling emotions, holds them in a bundle, smoothen the edges and harmonizing it , that you start flowing smoothly with everything around, in one cirlce , one direction. if someone could read my aura at that moment, he wouldnt see but healthy colours and enlightment..the trip continues, and with every moment , the mood eliates, the silence keep playing the magic stick and suddenly am connected! am connected to me..
the Grand Finale, was on the way to masafi, it was dark and suddenly you enter into a road between mountain, with no light , except some rare lights of car passing by, it is totally dark and you are just stuck between the mountains and you cant see the end.. for the first few moments all what you can see is Dark and then when you focus , try to absorb what is around you, you see very blackish mountains, talking to less blackish skys with a spray of abundant stars, that scene , just made me realize that no matter how dark is the place you are in there is always a darker place, and no matter how gloomy things may appear, but if you want to see , you can always see those scattered stars that give you that so called - light at the end of the tunnel-
At that moment only, i wished it rained, so the whole scene would be complete , satisfying and enriching, i wish it rained, because at that moment only, the tall building didnt exist , the speedy life just stopped , the chaos disappeared and everything was flowing with me , on the same lane, towards the same direction
and here i am, still dazzled with the whole experience, i feel better, more bound to me, smiles are more real and am ready for a second round on the fast lane!
And yes, i will never stop loving the way nature stands ...

Between jobs..

Something i realized lately, it is so easy to fall into the trap of denial , till you believe that what you are trying to convince yourself with , is the total truth and nothing beyond it. Our brains have magnificent ways to conceal the real emotions and feelings and to make us live in an illusion. playing that trick again and again till the illusion becomes a fact in a bubble, where the bubble can rise very high before it bursts and splash all over you

I was living in a denial for a whole 3 years, thinking am happy with my job, am doing fine, content and "enjoying it" .it kept me busy, waking up so early , racing time every moment of the day, moving around, making things work , till the day ends, exhausted and then drift into a dreamless sleep.Couple of weeks ago , i was laid off due to the economical crisis that hit the region and suddenly i was faced with the fact that i have alot of free time, loads of it. things started to slow down, sink in and facts started to appear clear and shouting.

I wasn't happy, not even content to say the least, i was in denial, i was trapped in the same trap i always fall into "Adaptation" . i adapted to the situation, i convinced myself,that it is right it is what i want, and it gives me self satisfaction and of course my brain played the trick took the trap , made it a fact and concealed it in a bubble.

Looking back, what was so happy about it? the memories i have of the job, is just the resentness of waking up soo early before everyone to beat traffic, looking at my watch every minute of the morning, praying so sincerely that there would be no accident on the road because i know if so i will be stuck forever. i dont even have time to look at the mirror before leaving half asleep, reaching so early to work, trying to add some make up to look cheerful and start my day..i did my job well, but did i enjoy it? Is it what i want? no, just a machine doing what i have to do, and trying to go the extra mile not because i love it, not at all, it is just the competitive side of my personality , i have to do things perfectly , i have to excel. and ofcourse it wasnt just work, the burden of listening to people , solving their issues, because somehow my face attracts problem holders and whiners and i cant say no, i have to help. and the days go on, different issues but the same same routine

After things has settled down and i dont have to wake up so early and i have time to read, think, wander,connect and communicate, i believe am more happy not working in that job, suddenly am not short-tempered, am more patient, am calm like i used to be. which makes me wonder, how can we just consume ourselves day by day in soemthing you realize at the end , that it wasnt worth it to the extent that we loose our identity, who we are and we become something different, something anonymous even to us

I have alot of free time, it bothers me at times, and it triggers the analytical person in me, but i know this time, i wont sacrifice the peace in me for something i wont enjoy, i know that i will not accept the least . and more extreme I WILL NOT ADAPT to something i dont like.

Blabbering on a rainy night

It is raining outside,

I can hear it gushing and splashing on the ground, and i can see some drops escaping from their fate ,lying exhausted on the window glass.. But that is all what i can get from this raining night, I cant view anything else just few glimpses of a dark angry sky, that i have to bend my neck in a specific angle to be able to see it. the way this city is engineered and planned is obnoxious, all what they focus on, buildings and more buildings, each one taller than the other, all having the same high rectangular shape different colors and different glass panes, but the same dullness, and lack of balconies most of the times and if surprisingly they are present , they are so small and useless.
This city is planned , to choke you, to deprave you from the view and the air..you view nothing and you hardly breath

It is still raining,

My thoughts are floating away, so far, reaching 5 years back to a city i valued and loved, a city that would reach up to you , turn you around to face it and makes you love it so gently . a city that offers you everything abundantly and generously, offers you a full view and a fresh air to breath. The rain is so different over there, you can see the sky all over you , each and every corner of it, you can watch the raindrops one by one falling and hugging the earth and on their way, they dance with the trees . the trees are so high, solid in a harmonic relationship with the sky , the earth and the rain.. Those rainy night, 5 years back is what i miss at the moment


This is the rain,

It always triggers all kind of nostalgic feelings in me,but this time those feelings are sharp and painful, because it reminds you, of you then..it reminds you of everything you tossed at the back of your mind..everything you wanted to be and you couldnt.. 5 years back, i wanted to be content, peaceful , i wanted to hug the earth and grow like the trees, i wanted to be different, i wanted to be there, i wanted passion to lead me, i wanted to connect, to communicate, but here , now, in this city am typical , am with the norm, am growing like the grass obeying the wind, i lost connection even with myself and am leaded by the norm . Am stuck in a fast city that admires only tall , serious , dull buildings. a city that is obsessed with the largest, the biggest, the fastest...etc

It is still raining..hope it stops in the morning and i will wake up with a blank brain that has no memories...

When do we stop...

People, books, documentaries,everything around you just keeps telling you to "Have Hope"

Some books even went so far telling you that you attract what you think.WOW, so if you think hope , you attract hope and if you think despair , you attract despair. as if it is not hard enough to struggle to keep optimistic , that they even blame you if something against your wish happens!

Ok, so we need to keep hoping for good things, good people, good air. but the question that is always wandering at the background, till when??? Till when should we keep hoping for something in specific . when is the right time to stop, to move on and search for something different to hope for? It is very scary sometimes, oscillating between hope and hope, wishing for something to happen, wanting it so bad, believing that it is going to come our way one day and then days pass , it doesnt happen. and here the panic starts, should we stop hoping for it? should we move on? or is it too early? should we wait more?

I have no answers for all these questions, i seriously dont. i want to keep hoping because am scared that the myth of "you attract what you think" is true, but sometimes i am just so tired , i want to give in , i want to just lie down, loosing hope and allowing my tears to fall , to burry the dream and receive the condolances!